Make This Go On Forever
by And.Your.Point
Summary: She had me from the first kiss. She taught me to look past everything I had ever known. She knew every part of me and that didn't change her mind. If only I had seen that before she walked out the door. I won't give up. I promise, we will last forever.
1. Chapter 1

**If you haven't heard the song "Make This Go On Forever" by Snow Patrol then I highly recommend you do so you can kind of get the feel for this story.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything in this chapter or any chapters to come. **

_... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..._

_Please don't let this turn into something it's not._

I screwed up. Bottom line.

I messed up and I pushed away the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think the saddest part was that I didn't even realize just how much she suffered. I didn't even realize just how far I was pushing her. If I had seen what I was doing then maybe I could've avoided this. If I could've seen it ten seconds sooner then maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.

I've messed up before, countless times, but I guess this time was worse. That's what she told me anyway. Normally I would've just ignored her… but this time _was_ different. I saw it too late and now it's come to this to make me see it.

I told her that we've gotten through so much worse than this, but there was something about this time she just couldn't look past.

I don't deny it. What I did was wrong. What I've been doing was wrong. I just couldn't see past myself to fix it.

And I hate that now I see it. I hate myself for putting her through this. I... I can hate myself all I want but that's not gonna fix the problem. She'd only agree with me.

I honestly think this is so much smaller than she's making it out to be… but then again, I guess that kind of thinking is what got us here.

I want to make this right. I want to show her that I'm not what I was. I can be different. I want to show her that I still love her. I want her to remember the good times and forget about the bad ones. I created a lot of good moments and granted... I created a lot of the bad, but for some reason, the bad will always outweigh the good. I guess she just couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm here. I'm ready to fight." I say.

"It's too late now. You don't have anything to fight for" She says brushing my tears away with her thumbs.

It can't be too late. I love her. There's no expiration date on love, especially not ours. She can't just give up on me now. She doesn't understand, I said I'm ready to fight.

"I'm sorry" I whimper.

"You always are Jade. What's different about this time?" She asks

"I'm ready to fight. I want to save us. I'm ready to try"

"If you had been trying from the start, then we wouldn't need saving. It's too late for us." She says as more tears roll down her cheeks.

"Please don't give up" I beg.

"What other choice have you given me? You gave up the minute you said you loved me. Now it's my turn."

I can tell it hurt to say that. Like her heart just tore in half from that one sentence.

"I can be better" I sniffle.

"I know, just not with me." She says stepping back.

I just want all this to be some sick joke she's playing. I want this to just be her trying to scare me into being better. I want her to walk out, then walk back in and tell me she's not really leaving. I want her to say that she just wants me to change.

"Please don't leave" I whisper.

"You left first. I'm just following your lead" She says as she turns to go.

"Tori please…" I beg.

She stops at that and slowly turns around to face me again. She's breaking just as much and just as hard as I am. With one word she can stop the pain for the both of us, but she doesn't. That's what scares me. That's what makes this real.

I was so sure that this would never happen. Tori was like a human doormat in this relationship. I never thought she'd be pulled right out from under me.

"I can't keep doing this Jade. I want to be with you but I can't when it hurts this bad." She says allowing herself to cry more.

"I'm not going to hurt you anymore. Just please… don't let this one time make up your mind."

"This isn't about this one time, this is about every time. This is just the first time I can't take it."

"I don't know how to be without you" I say walking up to her. "And I know you feel the same."

She has to feel the same. We are who we are because of each other and we have the rest of our lives to continue in that. She can't just call it quits now.

"Jade I can't…"

"What do you want? Tell me what you want and I'll do it or fix it or find it or whatever you want." I beg.

"Time" She whimpers.

"Ok then, we have time. We have forever Tori." I try to smile.

"Apart"

"What?" I whisper.

"I want time… apart." Ok… just some time apart for both our sakes. That makes sense. Just a little time.

"Ok, a little time apart. You got it. For how long?" I ask

"I don't know… as long as it takes… forever… I don't know Jade." She says stifling a sob.

Forever? She… she wants to be apart forever. How exactly does she plan to do that? We can't just avoid each other. We can't just run from each other. We're in love. This can't happen because we're in love. She has my heart. Regardless of if she wants it or not, my heart's gonna follow her wherever she goes. And unfortunately for her, I follow my heart.

"You can't honestly expect me to just give up." I say.

"You have before."

"But this time-"

"Jade this isn't something you can just fix in five minutes. You have to work at it and never stop." She cuts me off.

I wish I could work at it, but she's usually the one to guide me through it. She shows me what I'm supposed to do. She takes my hand and makes sure I don't fall. How am I supposed to do anything now?

"Don't leave" I say a little more sternly.

"I'm sorry Jade" She says wiping her eyes.

"Tori if you walk away, don't expect me to be here when you come back" I threaten. A threat that she and I both know is empty. It's my last move. The last desperate attempt I have to make her stay. It's what the old Jade would've done. I usually use scare tactics to manipulate people, but not Tori. Not anymore. I know better than to pull that with her. And the fact that she didn't even flinch when I said it tells me that she knows that. I'm desperate.

"You and I both know you don't mean that. But if you must move on then I'm not stopping you Jade" She's wrong. She's everything that's stopping me.

"I don't know where to go without you" I say as more tears spill down my face.

"Are you kidding?" She says with a smile I know is fake. "You're Jade West. Strong and unstoppable Jade West. You're gonna find a way and you're gonna be fine."

She can't reassure me that I'll be ok. God knows I won't I won't be.

I don't anything left to say, but there's one thing left that I can do.

I kiss her. I kiss her with more passion that I've put into anything in my entire life. She kisses back with just as much passion and her hands go to the side of my face. For a moment… I thought I changed her mind. I thought she could feel all the things I couldn't say to her. I thought she would stay. But then she pulled back and rested her forehead against mine.

"Contrary to popular belief, kisses don't always make it better." She whispers.

"I know" I whisper back.

She leans back and looks at me with more love than I've ever seen in her eyes and strokes the side of my face. She reluctantly lets her hands fall back to her sides then turns around and heads for the door. It's killing me to just stand by and watch this, but I have nothing left. All I can do is watch as my life walks right out my front door.

"Jade?" She says with a sob as she turns around in the door frame. My eyes meet hers and I nod, my voice has given up.

One thing. She says one thing that hurts and heals me more than you'll ever know.

"You'll always be my love…"

_The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love._

_... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..._

**Hello everyone A.Y.P. here. So, what do you think? The inspiration for this one came purely from the song. I think I'm going to like where this one's going and hopefully you do too. And no, this is not a song fic, tis simply based from the song.**

**Yes, this will be a multi chaptered fic. I fully intend on letting you in on what's going on between Tori and Jade.**

**So tell me what you think. You like it? Love it? Want some more of it? Try so hard but you just can't rise above it? …Anyway, tell me what you think and if I should continue.**

**A.Y.P.**


	2. Pathetic Reflection

Broken.

It's just what I am. Simply a broken mirror of Jade West. Fragmented and contorted in an undesirable way. She made me like this. Tori took my heart and smashed right through me with it.

At first I didn't know what to do with her and now I don't know what I'll do without her. She's the one who pieces me back together when I'm like this. I don't know how. I'm no good at puzzles. It's a thousand pieces that don't belong together. I'm not even sure if they're all mine, in fact, I'm almost sure some of them are Tori's. She was the biggest part of me anyway.

You see what she's reduced me to? Nothing but a self-loathing mess.

Pathetic.

I'm pathetic. I'm sitting here internally killing myself while I watch her from across the asphalt. She's just as beautiful as she was last week. Last week when she broke me and ultimately destroyed herself. But her pieces are different than mine. Mine are jagged, sharp, impossible to touch. Hers are smooth, in time she will be Tori again. Only Tori. Just Tori. Jade nowhere to be seen.

And you know what's worse? I realize now that a lot of her pieces were already scattered at her feet before this mess. She was already breaking. At first I wanted to ask her who did this... but it didn't take long for me to realize who had. There was only one reflection in those fragments of Tori.

Mine.

I was breaking her. It was me. Then she smashed what was left of herself before I could. Maybe it was a good thing then. Now she knows what to fix and what to leave behind.

Listen to me, I sound like an actual person. Like I have a heart. Had a heart.

She's leaning on Cat today. Cat and Andre have been Tori's crutches for the past week. Sometimes she'll lean on Andre, like yesterday, and sometimes she'll lean on Cat. Today her head is on Cat's shoulder. She hasn't cried but I can tell it wouldn't take much to make her. Cat's been running her fingers through Tori's hair throughout lunch. Don't worry, I'm not jealous. Cat is of no threat to me. I actually go to lean on her too when Tori's with Andre.

Robbie... well, he's just his stupid self. Going wherever he can to fit in. That's where Beck comes in. Robbie's the only one who hangs out with him from our group (rarely Andre). Everyone knows that Beck and I's breakup was bad, but after Tori and I started dating... things got out of hand. He didn't respond well to the "Beck turned Jade Gay" rumors. I can't blame him. He's known for being the school heartthrob and in one day became the "Dyke Magnet". People treated him like he was radioactive for a while. I could only do so much, seeing as I had my own rumor control to maintain. He wouldn't so much as look at Tori and I for months.

It's better now though. He'll stop and have a conversation with us and every once in a while he'll eat lunch with our group.

To be honest, I don't miss him. Sure he's a great guy, but not once did I miss him since Tori and I started dating a year ago. She was... is my everything.

There it is. A single tear rolling down her cheek. More follow after that and eventually Cat has to hold her to keep her from falling over. Don't cry my love.

Drowning. I'm drowning in every tear she cries.

It was my own death wish. I asked her to fill my lungs with saline and she is only giving me justice.

I sniffle.

I'm glad it was bright outside today. This meant that I got to wear sunglasses while I ate. That meant that no one would be able to see my tears. I count two of mine for every one of Tori's.

Pathetic.

Here I am internally killing myself while we cry together from across the asphalt. But Jade West doesn't cry right? No no, she's the cold hearted bitch who cares for no one.

I'm not supposed to.

I'm not supposed to cry over Tori, even if she was my girlfriend. I'm supposed to act like it's just another day. I'm supposed to send a glare to the kid two tables over staring at me.

That's who I am on the outside, but on the inside... on Tori's side, that's not me at all.

No one will ever understand how I work in relationships unless you're actually in the relationship with me. Like Beck knew, when we were alone (and not fighting), I was different. Like split personalities. Believe it or not we would actually cuddle, have a normal conversation, kiss, make-out, have sex. You name it. But it was different with Tori.

Beck had me by the hand, Tori had me by the heart.

It was the same deal though. In public_ I_ was the one with my arm slung around her shoulders. I was the one who took her by the hips. I was the one who leaned in for a kiss. I was the one checking out her ass and making vulgar quirks. I was her protector and would kill anyone who so much as looked at her the wrong way. But when we're alone... just the two of us...

I was all hers.

_She_ was the one holding me. She was the one stroking my hair. She was the one to pull me into a kiss. She was the one who took me to her bedroom.

She was in control whenever we made love. I did nothing. I let her have all of me. I let her touch the most intimate places without protest. She was so... gentle with me. She knew just how fragile I was for her. She was my protector too. She protected all my vulnerable places.

Yeah, you heard me. I was vulnerable. I got so vulnerable for her. I let her see me in my weakest state. Those moments where we wouldn't talk. We would just look at each other for hours.

Sometimes we would be laying there naked, her holding me, and she would whisper sweet nothings into my ear. She would run her fingers through my hair and promise that she would protect me.

That was the difference between Tori and Beck. Sure, I had been weak at times for him, but not outright raw. Yeah, Beck was different than most guys. It wasn't about getting off for him, it was about how we got off. That's what any girl wants from a guy I know, but I'm telling you, Tori's different. With Tori it never was about getting off. It was about her loving me and me loving her right back.

They were the most beautiful moments in my life.

I'm cold now. Her warmth has gone from me. Those beautiful moments would keep me from the bitter coldness that now lurks inside me.

Pathetic.

Here I am torturing my soul with things I'm never to see or feel again. I am out of body. I watch as my life sits quivering in Cat's arms across the asphalt.

You see what she's done to me? Do you see how I am because of her?

Not even a fraction of what I did to her.

I was terrible to her. A common question "What do you see in her?" had to be heard at least twice a day. Like I said, she was a doormat in this relationship. I pulled all sorts of attitudes and threw all sorts of fits with her. I knocked her down and she never stayed there. She always got back up.

I would say the most hurtful things to her, call her names, I even went as far as shoving her once... but she still stayed with me. She still saw herself in my mirror.

I... I would kiss other people. Sometimes in front of her. It was my last vain attempt to regain control over myself. Show her that I was Jade West through and through. She didn't own me.

We all know she did. She owned every part of me.

I never slept with anyone else. I wanted to... just to hurt her. She pissed me off and I wanted to hurt her for it. I tried... but I couldn't. Those hands weren't Tori's. That body wasn't Tori's. Tori isn't rough with me. I didn't feel safe.

It hurt her to know that I tried. Tori gave me everything and I spit on it. And even then... she still wanted me.

"I'm sorry"

Don't be. It wasn't your fault Beck. It was only mine.

"Leave" I spit back at him.

He knows what that means. I'm not mad, I just need space. He needs to walk back to his table and ignore my existence.

"You know I'm here for you" He says before returning to his group.

Thanks Beck.

Still the most amazing guy I know. I regret nothing when it comes to him. He was my first everything and I regret nothing.

I wonder if Tori regrets me.

Does she regret our "play date" over a year ago?

That's when it happened. The moment my body began to lean closer to hers. She told me I was pretty... and meant it. It was over after that. Tori claimed my heart. Don't get me wrong, it was a rough process. Lots of denying on both ends and fighting about it constantly. Eventually I couldn't deny her anymore. The harder I fought it, the more I fell. I finally showed up on her door step a month or two later and kissed her. I was supposed to talk... but the minute I saw her, my lips were on hers. After that things just worked themselves out. We were a dysfunctional couple if you asked around, but we were never out of sync.

She made me work for her affection, unlike Beck who was almost obnoxious with how much attention he gave me. I fell in a deep love with Tori very quickly but I could never tell what she was feeling. I've never been in a relationship were I had to work. I'm Jade fucking West, I don't work, I'm given what I want when I want it.

At least, that's how it used to work.

That attitude left the minute she responded to our first kiss. She was... _is_ worth it.

A month after we started dating, I wanted to jump into bed with her. It was me being selfish Jade who hadn't gotten any since Beck and I broke up. That was probably the most frustrating three months of my life. She made me work. She wanted to fall in love with me and then give in to me when she was ready. I don't know how... but I waited. I was patient with her, so unlike me, and I didn't pressure her.

She told me that that was how she knew I was serious about her. Because I waited with her. That was the first most beautiful moment in my life.

The night she gave me her virginity.

It was so intimate, so special. The first and last time I was in control over one of those moments. She allowed me, of all people, to share that with her. To hold this part of her forever. Me... Jade West.

Does she regret it?

The night our hearts intertwined?

She gave me every part of her and I gave her all I had left of me. I wish I could've given her more, but all I had was this thing inside my chest. This mangled train wreck barely beating. It's all that was left of me, but she still accepted it. She held it. Kissed it. She still wanted me.

And after all this... I sit here alone, wondering if she still holds it. Is it in her pocket? Did she leave it at home? Did she rid herself of the horrible beating? I hope she keeps it. I don't want anyone else to have it. I hope she keeps it forever. If not with her than maybe in a box, she can put it on one of her shelves. She can take it out and inspect it every once in a while, just to make sure it's still beating.

Then suddenly I'm behind her. She's closing her locker and I know she senses my presence. We have class to go to but I think we could both care less.

And she's turning. Her beautiful broken smile greets me as mine responds.

No words between us. I've never been good with them. Just our silent conversations through our eyes.

I trail my cold fingertips down her arm before finding her hand. I drag it to where my heart should be. My hand covers hers, flat against my chest. Her eyes never leave mine. They ask me, "Why?".

"It only beats for you" I whisper.

And that's when our conversation ends. Her eyes go to our hands as if she is to talk to them too.

After a moment she gently pulls her hand away. She leans close to me, head dipping a little, to lightly press her lips where our hands used to be.

She pulls back and returns her gaze to my eyes.

"You don't give it enough credit." She says tracing her fingers over that hollow place. "It's bigger now. Louder."

But it feels so small.

"Does it keep you awake?" The beating?

"It's my lullaby. I can't sleep without it." She whispers with a small smile. A mist covers her eyes and tells me she can't stay longer.

With another sniffle her fingers leave my chest and she's gone, taking the warmth with her.

Pathetic.

What have I become that I'm so dependent on another person? In my shattered reflection there is no Jade West. Only Tori.

Forever Tori.

**... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...**

**Hello my Lotus Blossoms. I'm starting to think I need to find a new name for you all.**

**So, like it? Love it? I won't start that again, but I've got to say that I think I'm liking where this is headed. I know this is mostly focused on Jade's inner thoughts right now, there will be more dialog and plotline in the future, but I feel that this is pretty darn important for now. **

**I actually had the first chapter of this story written around... maybe the 4th chapter of The Art of Falling in Love. I liked the idea and never lost the inspiration for it. Anyway, PLEASE leave your thoughts on this chapter, I worked really hard on it and am quite proud to say the least. I would love to know what you all thought. Anonymous reviews are enabled. **

**Speaking of:**

G I GGL3Z1597: You are my first review so I shall love you forever.

AndYouCanGoHome: I too love Jori, but don't worry, Cori is still my primary ship.

Sami Jo: Sorry to hear that, I was really pulling for you two. Hopefully this may ease your heart.

Zinzu: My darling Zinzu, I'm excited for you to see where this leads.

**ALSO: I will be updating this story every Monday. My schedule only permits this day and I figure, why not kick off the week with it? **

**Alright loves that's all for this update. Reviews = Love. Spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P**


	3. From Me To Us

Another day to die.

That's what I call my life. That's what it feels like at least. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to anticipate. Just waiting for my last breath.

I sound awful don't I? I don't _want_ to die, it just seems like the only thing left in my life.

Everyone keeps telling me that it's not the end of the world and that life goes on. Don't get me wrong, I believe it. I know that my life doesn't stop here, but I don't think anyone understands why I'm as depressed as I am. I may seem like just another lovesick teenager that had her heart broken, but I swear to you I'm not. I'm the exception.

"Why?" She asks coming over to my locker.

"He deserved it" I answer simply.

I still watch over her. I'm still her protector. When we started dating if anyone looked at her with _those_ thoughts going through their heads, I would see to it that they wouldn't be able to use their eyes for a while. The same rules apply now. He watched her with that glassy look on his face and might as well have asked me to kill him.

"You punched Robbie in the face" She says dully.

"Rex was eye humping you" I defend shoving my books into my locker.

"Rex? Really Jade?" She asks running a hand through her hair.

So I might be a little more... on edge than usual. But I have every right. We just broke up, you'd think he'd have more courtesy than that.

"Jade" She says placing her hand on my upper arm. I stop what I'm doing and look at her. "Stop"

"Stop what?" I ask.

"Trying to protect me. That's not your job anymore" She says removing her hand. I look down for a moment.

Stop protecting her? But... how? I don't know how to do that. It's against my nature. What if something happens to her? Then what? Tori is a very special person that tons of people, especially all the sleazes we have here, would love to hurt. I can't _not_ protect her. It was the one thing I did right in our relationship. The only thing that I actually had the capacity to do. I would die before I let anyone touch her.

"I can't." I say like it's obvious. She sighs and her eyes shut for a brief moment.

"Why do you want to?"

Why wouldn't I?

She's not angry. She might be a little frustrated with me, but she's far from angry. Believe me, it takes a lot to make her mad.

"It's just what I do. Dating or not, no one's gonna hurt you" I finish.

"Only you?" She states softly meeting my gaze.

Right. Go on Tori, step on the broken pieces of me. Yes, only me. Only I'm allowed to hurt you. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you really want? Stomp on me more, I'm sure I can handle it. Losing you didn't do as much damage as you think it did. I'm still a person, I'm still Jade West. There aren't parts of me that I can't fit back together. No, I've got it all. You don't even register. Like something you said would ever hurt me. You're pathetic Vega.

That's right. Lie. Lie your ass off to yourself so you don't have to cry in front of her anymore.

I open and close my mouth multiple times. I put on a scowl to stop my lip from quivering. I stop blinking to dry out my eyes.

"I'm..." I whimper. I clear my throat loudly. "I'm bad at this. All of it." I rush out. I don't give her a chance to say anything else. I simply close my locker and leave. I don't feel like going to any more classes today.

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"Hiding?"

"I'm not hiding."

"Jade, take it from someone who knows, when you're hurting, you tend to go hide in your car."

"I feel safe here" I sigh.

"In the school parking lot... in your car" Beck says slowly.

"Five star crash test rating. It's pretty safe."

He chuckles to himself before moving out from the passenger side window. I almost thought he was gonna leave till he opened the door and dropped himself into the seat.

"I take it this has to do with Tori?"

"Of course not. I'm really just upset that you and I broke up and now I want you back so we can have beautiful islander emo babies." I say monotone.

"They would be beautiful" He agrees.

We sit in silence for a bit.

It's calming. Not an awkward silence, but a comfortable one. The one I've been sitting in for hours. I guess it's nice to have a companion to share it with. Even if it is my ex boyfriend, part of me is glad he's here. He does genuinely care although we don't hang out. That's just like him though, he can look past all of that, and move on.

I guess I envy him. Look at him. He smiles, he laughs, he lives. It's like nothing ever hurt him. Like I never hurt him.

"I messed you up pretty bad too, huh?" I ask breaking the silence.

"Think we messed each other up" He says after a moment.

"Beck now is not the time to be gracious with me. I messed you up."

"I wouldn't call it messed up. Hurt, yeah. It wasn't exactly the easiest relationship. I don't think you ever really gave me a fair shot" He says quietly.

I know, I just needed to hear it again. Another voice besides my own needed to say it. I needed someone else to confirm that there's something wrong with me. I pushed and eventually he stopped trying, just like Tori. I see how much you can handle. What makes you break. Pathetic.

"I know it was different with Tori" He says looking over at me.

"You know nothing" I reply coldly.

"I know enough. Our relationship was different from yours with Tori."

"And by what grounds do you have to make that assumption?" I'm again glad it's sunny out today.

"Because you're a mess"

"How far ya gonna twist that knife?" I'm sure he can feel the icy glare I have trained on him. Go to hell Beck.

"I'm just saying, I didn't see a fraction of this when we broke up" He finishes defensively.

There are parts of me that were never his. I only gave them to Tori.

"Am I supposed to feel bad?" I snap.

"We dated for three years." He says as a look of hurt washes over his features. "But you never looked at me the way you look at her."

Well of course not. You were what I wanted, Tori's what I need. Beck, all you did was give in to me and my useless demands. You were a slave and liked it. Who the hell does that? It was nice being the one in control, being a dominant one in the relationship, but is was nowhere near what I needed.

"She's different" I state.

"Because she's a girl?" A hint of frustration.

"Because she was what I needed. What I still need."

"Why wasn't I?" A hint of desperation.

Because Tori was the opposite. Like I said, she made me work. I fought with Beck just because I could, I fought with Tori because I had a reason. She wouldn't even bat an eyelash to one of my temper tantrums. She would just ask when I was done whining and then I would do what she wanted. I never controlled her.

"Because I'm Jade. No one was supposed to ever be enough" The one thing my mom taught me, no one should ever be enough. My dad wasn't enough, I wasn't enough, so she moved on.

"But Tori is?" He asks.

"More than enough. More than I'm worth." I say looking over at him.

"Do you hear yourself?" He asks completely baffled.

"Usually" I reply sarcastically.

"Jade what happed to the head strong, don't kill me for saying this, bitch I used to know? When have you ever doubted yourself?" He says running his hand through his hair.

When have I ever doubted myself?

The moment I saw Tori up on that stage for the first time. I doubted every talent I had. It only fueled my natural hatred for people. But sure, I got over that eventually.

And then she said "I love you".

That's when I knew I had everything to lose. I doubted every aspect of my existence. This was impossible right? Someone like her, loving someone me?

Then she turned my world upside down.

She taught me what it was to love. To really love. To give every part of yourself to someone, not because you should, but because you want to. It wasn't about trusting someone with just your hopes and dreams, but trusting someone with your fears and imperfections too. And I trusted her fully. I learned so much about life from her. Real life, not the sick game I played inside my head.

Not everything is as perceived. Someone was enough for me, the world didn't have to be so dark, I didn't have to be so cold.

She turned all that I am into a lie.

"So you _liked_ that I was a cold hearted bitch?" Tell me I'm wrong.

"That's not what I said." He defends.

"Enlighten me" I challenge.

He sighs before continuing. "I just want to know what happened to the invincible Jade West. I don't even know you anymore, no one does."

Anymore? No one ever knew me to begin with. No one was ever supposed to. Only I was supposed to know me until Tori Vega waltzed right through my walls and introduced herself.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore" I mumble. I feel cornered. He's asking every question I refuse to answer.

"Jesus Jade, what did she do to you?" He asks softly.

Everything.

"Leave" I snap. My safe place isn't feeling so safe anymore.

"What did she do to you?" he asks again.

"I'm not gonna say it again Beck." I threaten.

"Tell me what she did to turn you into this"

"I'm gonna give you ten seconds-"

"Jade-"

"I was going to marry her!" I yell tearing off my sunglasses and looking him directly in the eyes.

Speechless.

It's the first time I've ever seen him caught completely off guard. No cool guy attitude, no suave response ready.

I smash my fist into the dash board before crossing my arms. I ignore the throbbing in my hand as I glare out my windshield. My vision is blurry and my chest is almost heaving. My teeth are clenched together tight, if my mouth opens again, he's not gonna wanna hear what I have to say.

You'd better tiptoe around every syllable if you wanna live Beck.

"You were going to marry her?" He can't even believe it.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

I'm not one to be positive, ever. I'm not one to look at the bright side. I don't tell people how I feel. I'm not dependant on anyone. So why did I see a future with her? Why couldn't I see one without her. Why did I change the course of my entire future plans so I could lace her all through it?

The moment my future went from _me_, to _us,_ I knew.

I didn't want my own life anymore. I didn't want just me in this big life I had to live. I didn't want to be selfish anymore. I wanted to share it. I wanted Tori to share my life with me.

I didn't have to think it through. I didn't have to ask about all the possibilities of it going wrong.

The fact that I, Jade West, couldn't see a future without Tori in it said it all. There was no other answer or thoughts about it. I wanted to marry her. And that's my problem, I _want_ to marry her. I still can't see a future without her in it.

"You... does she know that?" He asks slowly.

"Does she know that?" I say with a mocking laugh."Why do you think we broke up?"

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

**Hello again my Lotus Blossoms.**

**Ok... so don't hate me for the two week hiatus. I have a legitimate reason, I was lazy. Well, that's half true. It was spring break and although I should be all, "Yeah more time to write!" I was all, "Screw everything I'm going to sleep and get fat". So that was the reason for the first week, the second week I got this awesome thing called the flu. I did not feel like writing at all... or living. Now that that's all over though I decided to bring you this chapter a few days early.**

**Anyway, I'm not too pleased with the last quarter of this one, I had the first three quarters all written out two weeks ago and the two week hiatus kind of fizzled me out. I apologize. The next one will be better and not quite as short. **

**How'd you like the ending?**

**Speaking of but has nothing to do with:**

**SOVERIEN LORD OF CHAOS: Yupp, this will most likely all be in Jade's POV.**

**Sami Jo: Glad I could evoke the right emotions and I wish your heart the speedy recovery.**

**Zinzu: My darling Zinzu, why can't everyone be like you? (double points for rhyming)**

**Oh and I'd like to give a big shout out to Gunner3284 for kicking me in the face. No worries brother, I understand the need to feel impatient at times.**

**ALSO: I'd like to remind/bring to everyone's attention that the Topaz Awards 2012 is going on right now so I'd encourage you guys to go vote here, **

forum(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/forum/The_Topaz_Awards_2012/108350/

**I myself am pretty excited for them, two of my fics are actually nominated for Best Cori Fic. So if you guys could put your votes in before all the polls close, that would be lovely.**

**Alright loves, sorry for the long authors note, but that's all for this update. Reviews = Love, so spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


	4. Water and Light

Today I'm chasing a rainbow.

It had been raining all day until about twenty minutes ago, that's when I saw it in the sky. Usually I couldn't care less, it's nothing but an illusion of water and light. A meaningless sight that people want to believe in. They want to see some sort of promise, some sort of hope, a dream in water and light.

Pathetic.

It's childish to believe in things like that. To think that there is some magical power in inanimate objects. To find some illusion so precious and meaningful. Refract some light and suddenly it's special. Suddenly people find some sort of myth behind it or legend that spreads like a disease. Before you know it, thousands are sick believers.

All for an illusion.

Today I am sick. I'm sick with the cancer of believing in such petty things. The moment I laid eyes on this rainbow, I had to have it. I wanted it. I thought that... maybe, just maybe, if I could catch it...

It's so stupid. Such a childish thing to think.

Maybe if I could catch it, I could give it to Tori. Then maybe she would know how I felt about her. She would understand and want to be with me. That somehow the rainbow would tell her all the things that I couldn't. It would apologize, it would mend things, and it would bring us back together. All from a rainbow. A refraction of light. An illusion.

This is my myth. My belief. This is how I see the rainbow.

All of this came to me twenty minutes ago. I grabbed the closest thing to me that I could find that could hold something and bolted out my front door. I've been driving ever since. I'm not really sure where I am, I'm just taking whatever street looks like it will take me closer to the rainbow. I'm driving well over the speed limit and weaving between cars, but none of it phases me. I don't have much time left before the rainbow disappears. If I can't catch it, Tori will never want me.

In the back of my mind my sanity is screaming that this is crazy. From the whole logic behind it to me almost killing myself through reckless driving. But today I don't care. I want to be insane for an hour. I want to believe in all those things that I belittle and spit on. Today I'm taking a step in wicked faith that this rainbow will do some sort of miracle for me. Today I am a child.

I dart around a few more cars, hearing colorful language and car horns as I take a sharp turn.

And just to my luck, my phone starts ringing.

_"I hate you now  
>So go away from me<br>You're gone, so long  
>I can do better, I can do better<br>Hey, hey you  
>I found myself again<br>That's why you're gone  
>I can do better, I can do better"<em>

I growl at the personalized ringtone and answer my phone.

"What" I snap taking another sharp turn one handed.

_"Alright, remind me not to call you to find out if you're alive ever again" _He says.

"What do you want Beck" I snap again.

_"You didn't show up to school today..." _He trails off.

"And you care because...?"

_"Considering how our last conversation went, I wouldn't have been surprised if I had seen your name in the news that night"_ He says annoyed

"Well I'm fine and I'm driving, bye." I say as my tires screech.

_"Jade wait- don't drive while you're in this mood, pull over or something"_ Funny how he almost sounded concerned there for a second.

"No" I answer simply.

_"Don't be difficult Jade, you and I know nothing good will come from this."_ He reasons.

Well here's my reason.

"Yeah, go fuck yourself Beck." I say before hanging up on him.

I white-knuckle the steering wheel and start praying that the rainbow stays where it is.

I know I'm being a huge ass to Beck but I have no desire for his sympathy. Granted, our last talk would cause any normal person some concern, but I'm Jade West. The last thing I'm gonna do is bow out of a life hardly lived, especially leaving it where it is.

It was just a brief moment of weakness. He caught me at a low point. I just started scarring and explaining it was like ripping my skin open all over again.

But now at least it's out. At least I was able to tell one person.

Tori and I broke up because I wanted-want... to marry her. I'll never forget that moment. The moment I hurt her the most, from what she told me.

I messed up yet again, but I mean, it was her fault too. She provoked me. She got under my skin and naturally I bit back. It was stupid really. It was just another one of my little charades at a party.

She didn't want to go and I didn't care. She was still goody-two-shoes Vega and it was making me nauseous. I needed a little danger. A little venom. She had been bitching at me all week about my bad habits and how disrespectful I was being to her family, it pissed me off. I am the way I am, no one changes that, not even Vega. She fell in love with a bitch, what else was she expecting?

One beer wasn't going to impair my judgment. Never has before. She didn't own me, she had no right to tell me not to.

She humiliated me in front of my peers. Went on (loudly) about how I had promised her that I wouldn't ever do anything to upset her and how she didn't want me to do it. She went on about things I had promised to her and how I was breaking them. She wasn't just talking about this one time, she was talking about _all _the times. For some reason all of the things she kept silent when we fought or when I'd mess up came out at that moment.

It's true, I did promise a lot of things. I had promised it all when we were **alone**. Alone in those special moments when I wasn't the Jade West everyone feared, it was when I was Tori's Jade. When I was vulnerable and let my guard down for her. Then she just went and exploited it like that in front of people.

I was livid.

And like I said, I bit back. There are things about Tori Vega that only I knew too. Things she had felt or done that she opened up to me about. That's part of what made me want a future with her. She wasn't this one sided Disney Princess that I thought she was. There was much more to her, dark things, scary things, depressing things, the list goes on. And right there in the midst of not necessarily A-class students I outed her. In a split second we turned on each other and were enemies all over again.

I don't need to rethink exactly what was said. It's not something I think I can even bear. I said some pretty awful things, but I mean... she provoked me right?

Needless to say we immediately left, with her in tears.

After we got back to my place we had it out. I got on her about what she had said and somewhere in the mix I let slip that she can't go ape shit on me like that if I was going to marry her. Then I polished it off with, "Don't you ever do that again.". I towered over her in that moment. I really thought I had won... and then with one word I took a blade to the heart with her on the other end.

"_No_"

That's all she said. No. She didn't want to marry me. After all the things I gave to her, after all I had done she didn't want to marry me.

_"Not like this Jade... we can't be like this"_

"Watch it asshole!" I hear someone yell, ripping me out of my thoughts.

You have no idea the amount of self-control it took for me not to yell obscenities back. I have to stay focused. I'll give this damn rainbow five minutes tops before it disappears and my hope goes with it. All I have to do is catch it and it'll fix something between Tori and I. I sound absolutely bat shit crazy but I promise, I promise this will fix something, anything.

"No no no no..." I repeat as the street I'm on becomes a dead end.

I come to a complete stop and look out the driver's side window. I immediately rip off my seat belt and turn my car off before bolting out and into a park.

It's fading.

I'm sprinting with my jar in my hand and my eyes on the sky. I trip a few times not being able to see my footing, but none the less keep running as fast as my legs can carry me.

It's just over that small hill over there... I'm so close.

_"Not like this Jade, we can't be like this"_

We love each other, of course we can be like this. I'll give you this rainbow and then we'll be together.

I trip over something again but the moment my knee hits the ground I push off of it to continue running. It's hurting like hell, I'm sure a rock broke my fall.

_"We can't live one hand holding mine the other wrapped around my neck"_

Dammit Tori they're not! They're both holding your face so I can see your beautiful eyes. They're grasping this jar so that I'll find you again.

"Please stay... please stay" I find myself whispering this between ragged breaths. The rainbow is almost transparent. It's almost gone. Please... just stay a little longer.

_"I we can't stay like this. No more Jade... no more."_

I can see it, the end of the rainbow. I'm almost there, just wait a little bit longer.

_"Let go of me Jade, please let me go"_

Let go of my legs Tori... they shouldn't be this heavy, I know what you're trying to do.

"_Let me be free of you"_

My only freedom is you.

_"I want time... apart"_

Time is our enemy. It wants you just as much as I do.

_"I'm sorry Jade"_

"You should be!" I yell as the rain starts to fall again. "You have me running around like a fucking idiot, a crazy child trying to catch a rainbow for you."

I can hardly see the colors anymore... no... I will catch it, I'm there, it's right there!

It's a illusion. A refraction of light. A myth that people believe in. Water and light.

In my last effort, I dive, I throw my entire body into a mist. For a moment, I was flying. My thoughts, my mind, was up in the air. I held my breath and locked my movements. I put all I had on the rainbow.

And when my body slams into the mud below, my jar is empty, and my soul is hollow.

Hope; an illusion. Faith; a refraction of reality. Belief; a myth. It's all just... water and light.

At least here no one can hear my sobs. The rain is comfort but I didn't ask for pity.

I really thought... I really thought I could do it. I could follow a rainbow to the end and catch some of it. And beyond that, I thought I could give it to Tori and it would fix things between us. That she would somehow immediately know what it meant and what I did to capture it. This rainbow was how it was all supposed to start. It held every part of me for a few moments and then the dream was over. It's when the child sees all the things its parents tried to shield it from. When the innocence is broken. When you realize we're all made of dirt and in the end return to it. When your reality becomes memory and the world reminds you of your place. When a rainbow becomes nothing but water and light.

It's the cancer. The believing. It took my mind and body and left me to die.

_"Jade... you'll always be my love"_

It's the cancer...and I've still got it.

**... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...**

**Hello my... incredibly forgiving and understanding Lotus Blossoms.**

**Let me start off by saying I'm really sorry about the lack of updates. Yes, I plan on continuing with this story, no, I'm not giving up on it. Life basically decided to punch me in the face. Due to finals, graduation, health issues, and just all out disturbances in life, I've just been out of commission. So until I can put everything back in place, I can't promise an update every Monday, but I will do my best.**

**Anyway, onto a few of the many awesome people:**

**Lovatic1966: Good. Again. Haha.**

**Sami Jo: I felt the same way about Jade for the longest time. One day I was just like, "Why not?" and now I love her. P.S. Don't do anything drastic... but if you must, anything but my face.**

**Zinzu: My darling Zinzu, all will be explained. I always love reading what you have to say. P.S. Steer clear of any walls.**

**Cain: I find your vigor enthralling. Helped me get this one out.**

**Oh and 'The Art of Falling in Love' won a Topaz Award, so that's pretty awesome. Thanks to all of you who voted.**

**Alright loves that's all for this update. Remember, Reviews = Love. Spread it around. Thick**.

**A.Y.P.**


	5. Out of the Darkness

Today I welcome the darkness.

"Hi Jade"

I growl in return.

"I... I baked you some cookies" She says shying away. "Snicker doodles"

Damn you Cat. Damn you and your knowledge of my weakness.

I planned on wallowing today sitting in front of the big oak tree in my front yard, guess the universe had other plans. I don't understand why I need to be happy. Why is everyone trying to cheer me up? Can't I be depressed for one damn day? Of course not. Because there are people like Cat in the world who are disgustingly happy and have some weird fetish with trying to make everyone else the same way.

Pathetic.

"You're hair looks pretty today" She says sitting herself next to me.

I don't want it. I don't want whatever she has. I'm clearly a diehard fan of all things twisted and dark, but at least I'm content there.

Or I was.

"You looked lonely at school, so I thought I'd come by after" She says.

Well you shouldn't have. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. And I especially don't need your pity and... sweet God she opened the container.

"Do you want-"

She doesn't even get to finish her sentence. I already have two stuffed in my mouth and a third on the way.

"Aww, see? I knew my Jadey was still in there." She says with a smile.

And that stupid nickname.

She's only allowed to call me that outside of school and alone. No one calls Jade West anything besides her name, unless it's her significant other... or Cat.

I have to say we have a love/hate relationship. I hate her and she loves me. You really can't keep Cat away from what she loves and to be honest, I tolerate it.

Tolerate. That's my form of love. My love for anyone I'm not dating. I tolerate people. I tolerate Cat. I tolerate my parents. I even tolerate myself.

But I _love _Tori.

Every part of me bends to her will. Even the twisted darkness that surrounds me. She and her bright soul walk right through it and sets a glow in me too. And it's strange right? Pain is supposed to be what makes me happy. I'm supposed to enjoy the darkness. I laugh when people cry. Others spill milk while I spill my own blood. Now that's something to cry about.

But Tori... she is everything I naturally hate, yet when she so much as looks at me, suddenly pain doesn't seem so nice. The darkness has me searching for a light. I cry when I should. She bandages my wounds and I let her. Suddenly I'm not Jade West. Whoever I am... that's who she's been seeing all along. It's why she never stopped trying. It's why she kept walking into the darkness licking at her skin. She saw something I couldn't see in me.

I still don't know what it is.

"Oh! You wrote something! I wanna read it!" Cat blasts into my ear launching me out of my thoughts.

And of course there's Cat, the exploding ball of sunshine.

She has no grace. No finesse to her light. It's a reckless strobe that blinds you. It repulses people like me. It comes on too strong and almost hurts. Cat is the sun that pushes the clouds away. It's nice for the moment, seeing the sky and feeling the warmth. But it hurts. It beats down on you and makes you uncomfortably hot. It burns you if you stand in it too long and you find people tending to search for shelter from it. She means well, but she lacks control.

Tori is perfect though. She's almost like an angel. A healthy glow about her. It's soft, subtle, gentle. People are drawn to her light. It's almost healing. Like if she- WAIT...

Did Cat say she's reading something..?

My attention snaps to Cat who is indeed reading something. I am so stupid.

My hand jerks out to take the notebook from her but she quickly blocks my attempt with her arm. I would try to get it again but... something's telling me not to. She looks completely somber as her eyes flick back and forth across the page. She's reread it at least twice.

When I went to wallow earlier I brought a notebook and pen with me. You know, just in case I wanted to write anything out, well I ended up writing. The very thing, the very **personal** thing I wrote is what Cat's reading. My blood drips from those pages and she's read it all. She's now seen what flows through my veins.

"Jade..." She trails off.

Her voice is quiet, full of emotion, but quiet. She is no longer the sun.

"_My heart is made of glass for you. Not in that it's fragile. Not in that it shatters. Not in that you have to be careful with it. It's so that then maybe you could see all the things that I feel. Then maybe you could see all the things I can't say. My mouth is broken and knows not of its own power. It will never give you the love that you deserve. So see my love, see all the things I feel for you. _

_But then I remember that there are other things that obstruct the view of my heart._

_My blood that runs for you._

_My bones that ache for you._

_My skin that only seeks your touch._

_So then may my body be made out of glass. See all the things you can't hear. See how you control the currents within me. See that every heartbeat belongs to you. Then may you see that I live for you."_

Her delicate voice pierces my ears as she finishes reading the last line. She looks up at me, her eyes misted with unfiltered emotion. She's no longer the sun. She is a beam of sunlight in the break of clouds. In a storm she is that small welcoming light. That hope that this storm will too pass.

She sets my notebook down and looks away from me for a moment. I'm about to make some snide comment to defuse the situation but I don't get my chance. Can leans towards me and wraps her arms around my neck. She rests her head on the side of mine and I hear her sniffle. I feel her hold onto me tighter followed by what I know are tears dropping onto my shoulder.

Her hug is warm. Gentle. It invites me to rest. It invites me to feel safe and protected. I want to fight it. Jade West doesn't need anyone. But right now I am a weak version of Jade West. A broken version. Cat's light is a safe haven. Maybe I can step out of the darkness for just a little bit. Maybe I can rest for just a little while...

My arms slowly fasten themselves around Cat. At first I don't know how to feel. This is Cat. A controlled light form of Cat. It's strange. It's actually almost like Tori's light. It helps me rest.

I didn't even realize the tears coming out of my own eyes. I collapsed onto her, crying and scared, and she just held me.

Underneath the big oak tree in my front yard as the sun sets, Cat holds me, and I see her in a new light.

... ... ... ... ... ...

_"Jade"_

_No._

_"Jade"_

_Touch me and you die._

_"Jaaaaade"_

_Saying my name more obnoxiously won't wake me up._

_"Jadeykins"_

_"What?" I snap. Jadykins is where I draw the line._

_"Wake up. It's morning." Cat says before the most ungodly light pierces my eye lids._

_"Holy fucking-ugh" I finish off as I roll off my bed and hit the floor._

_"Jade those are bad words. My brother once said a bad word then he-"_

_"What the hell is that?" I say shielding my eyes with my arm._

_"Oh, I opened your curtains. It's always so dark in here. Darkness is scary." She says and I can almost hear the pout she has on her face._

_It's sickeningly adorable._

_"I have a window?" I ask trying to open my eyes to see it._

_"Yeah. It took me a while to find it but I did and now you're awake!" She says with what I know is her usual blinding smile._

_"If I could see you I'd kill you" I growl._

_"Oh Jadey, you're so funny. Hey I wanna take you somewhere today." She says changing the subject._

_Oh god, Cat wants to take me somewhere? This is bad. I only imagine rainbows and butterflies. Sugar cookies, unicorns, kittens, cupcakes, sprinkles, the color pink-_

"Ok, we're here" Cat asks breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Finally" I grumble.

I've been thinking about how Cat woke me up this morning while she drives me to this "super secret place". I honestly had no idea I even had a window. I mean... I think I remember having one when I was little... I swear that's always been a wall though.

"Ok, you can take off your blindfold now" She says.

Yes, Cat made me wear a blindfold. The only reason I agreed to wear it was because she promised she wouldn't talk the entire ride there. I actually enjoyed that. About fifteen minutes of silence. When you're around Cat, you finally understand why people say silence is golden. Precious gold... pure and untainted... straight from God himself... forged by angels and-

"Surprise!" Cat blasts into my ear, causing me to tear my blindfold off.

"Jesus Cat, can't you..." My sentence dies effortlessly.

"Don't freak ou-"

"Why are we at Tori's house?" I ask lowly.

"Because you need to tell her what you told me" Cat says not shying away from my words like usual.

"I didn't tell you anything" I snap.

"Fine, you need to tell her what you wrote." She says turning the car off.

"Turn the car back on and take me home" I order crossing my arms.

"No" She says simply.

Did I just hear her right? Did she just say no to me? Really, Cat Valentine is gonna deny me something? She must have some sort of death wish then. There is no way I'm getting out of this car unless it's parked in my driveway and if I have to kick her out and drive there myself I will.

"That wasn't a question, take me home" I say glaring at her. Cat crosses her arms, her face becoming as hard as mine, and leans towards me.

"I don't take orders from a coward." She says, her voice matching my lowness. She did not just call me that...

"Cat I am not afraid to hurt you. Another word out of your damn mouth and-"

"And what Jade? You'll hit me? You'll talk even lower? Glare at me even? No. You won't because you're a coward." She says cutting me off.

"I am no coward and your petty little brain is gonna come to understand that the hard way I guess. Give me your keys" I say the last part slowly.

"Coward" She spits.

I am gonna tear her in half. **No one** talks to me like that and gets away with it.

"You have ten seconds to get your ass out of that seat" I threaten.

"Want me to count for you?" she asks.

What the... "Ok where the hell is this coming from?" I ask. Before I was pissed, but now I'm just confused. When did she grow a brain? Why the hell is she matching everything I say. Where did this darkness around her come from?

"It's coming from this" She says referring to Tori and I. "I hate having to choose between who I want to spend time with everyday. Tori needs me Jade but you need me too. I can't abandon either one of you and I'm sick of hearing you two be all suicidal over each other."

"I... she's depressed over me?" My voice wavers.

"Yeah. She's just as wrecked as you are. You both talk to me about all these things you refuse to say to each other. I'm hurting with the both of you and I can't stand to see it any longer. The least you can do is make an effort for her. Try to talk to each other. If not for each other than for me" She sighs.

Wow...

She's just ask wrecked as I am? She hurts just as badly as I do? I never knew... then again, I guess that's the point Cat was trying to make. I thought I was dying in this and Tori was doing much better. We haven't talked since the breakup so I guess we're both just assuming the better. And Cat, she's been stuck on the middle of us. I'm not an easy person to be with, yet she still comes around and listens to me while I bleed. When she's not with me, she's a shoulder for Tori to cry on. You know just as well as I do that I pity no one. I have no compassion, no grace, and no mercy. But now I see.

Cat's growing dim.

Her light is starting to fizzle out. She's one star trying to light up the entire night sky. We're gonna burn her out. Just like everyone she needs a period to just turn it off. Though I'm sure it's rare, she needs a time to sit in the darkness herself. Tori and I are robbing her of that.

The whole time I was thinking I didn't even notice myself getting out of the car, walking up to Tori's front door and knocking. But it was better that way. otherwise I wouldn't have had the stomach to do it. I almost didn't even hear the door unlock and the knob twist. But sure enough, my beloved light stands behind the door, eyes glazed and confused.

"Jade?"

**... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...**

**Hello my... incredibly understanding and forgiving Lotus Blossoms...**

**Ok, get in line to throw bricks at me. I know it's been exactly three months since my last update and I apologize profusely. Life punched me in the face with a lot. All my emotional stamina that I use for writing went into that. But out of the stress, enlightenment, heart ache, and love I've felt the past few months, I managed to create this. Of course with the help of a few of my readers kicking me in the face to update, thank you for that.**

**Anyway, what do you think? Not bad after a three month hiatus. I'm gonna do all I can to update more regularly, but honestly, God knows. **

**On to a few of the many awesome people:**

**FireHeartBurns: I have missed you my friend. And yes, the tragedy of this story is taking me along for quite a ride as well.**

**Cain: You my friend are persistent, but it is welcomed. Thanks for giving me that extra push.**

**Newsiesmario: You flatter me. This is gonna sound sappy, but my heart writes this story, I'm just along for the ride.**

**ImmaturePhilosopher: I know. Humanizing Jade was one of the most emotional things I've had to do writing wise. I'm glad you liked it.**

**Alright loves that's all for this chapter. Till my next update, which will hopefully be soon, Reviews = Love. Spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


	6. See How I Feel

_**Previously**_

_The whole time I was thinking I didn't even notice myself getting out of the car, walking up to Tori's front door and knocking. But it was better that way. otherwise I wouldn't have had the stomach to do it. I almost didn't even hear the door unlock and the knob twist. But sure enough, my beloved light stands behind the door, eyes glazed and confused._

_"Jade?"_

_**Present**_

Nothing.

The first time I see her in weeks and I can do nothing, say nothing. I just stare at her in wonder. Like I've never seen her before. Like I've never seen something so precious.

"Jade?" She repeats softly.

Yes Tori? Yes my love? What is it?

Pathetic.

I can't speak. I can't move. All I can do is stand before her shaking while tears fill my eyes. It's my time to speak but my words are stuck in my chest with the rest of my love for her. I can heave all I want to get them out but like we've seen in the past, that only causes me to vomit abuse at her. So maybe I'm really saving the both of us.

"You're crying" She whispers.

You have been too. To anyone you're happy, but I know every emotion that has flashed across your features since we broke up. You're allowing me to see them. Letting me in even after all this.

You are so beautiful. Even when you've been a wreck. I know you don't want me to see that, but it's effortless. I've gazed in your eyes long enough to see the pain you hid from yourself in the past and it's no different right now. I can see all the things you can't say. But can you see mine?

"Jade" She says stepping forward.

I love you.

See that. See how I feel about you Tori...

"Jade please..."

I will never leave you. See that.

"Please say something" She whimpers.

Marry me. I love you. I won't leave. I love you.

See this Tori! See This!

"I..." I barely get out.

I... I what? What comes after that? I... I... I don't know. Dammit Jade, what comes after that?

Tori's gaze drops for a moment before looking back up at me with tear filled eyes. "Ok" She whispers stepping back into her house.

No... no! Tori don't go! I love you! I swear it, I love you! Don't leave me in this darkness! I love you!

And if there is a God... then he's finally seen me.

As Tori goes to shut the door, her eyes catch something that halts her actions. It's not me. She's not looking at me... she's looking at what's in my hand. It's now that I notice that something _is_ in my hand. A piece of paper crushed to death in my severe grip. Not a paper, _my_ paper. My paper that I bled on yesterday. How it got in my hand is a mystery to me, although I know Cat put it there.

Tori steps back out and takes my shaking fist into her hands.

That touch... those hands... that warmth. It makes me weak yet all the more strong. It makes my body give into her but spurs me on to fight another day. It stops my shaking but my hand is still tightly clenched around the paper. I will not let go. I will not allow her to see into the most vulnerable parts of me when I can do nothing to protect them. I won't let go. She can't make me.

Tori looks back up at me sighs. She's brushed right by all my attempts to shut her out. She can see that I'm scared. She knows why I can't say anything. She's not seeing what I want, but at least she sees that.

"Don't" I hardly get out.

Don't. Just don't Tori. Don't make me do this. Don't make me give in to you. Don't make me lose what little control I have left.

Tori's look somehow softens more. A concerned look graces her features as she steps even closer to me. I want to shrink away, pull back, but her hands are securely around my fist. She's not letting me run.

I let my eyes close for a moment, feeling her close proximity. But before I open my eyes again, I feel a light pressure on my forehead. At that my eyes open slowly to see that it's her forehead against mine. There's a shy tickle on my lips from her uneven breaths. She's so close... too close. I haven't so much as touched her since our hearts tore apart. She's still Tori. She's still my angel. And she still smashes right through the walls I built to keep everyone out.

She may be my angel, but she has a devilish way about her.

She is my nightmare. I can never rid myself of her. She fills my lungs with every breath. She is everywhere and in everything. She tears me apart with one touch. She haunts me. I can't run away from her. Tori.. please... let me go. Leave me to drown in my own misery.

"Tori" I whimper. Please just let me leave. Do away with me.

"Shhhh" She shushes me. Not in to be quiet, but to comfort me. She says I no longer need to speak. Though there is much she doesn't know, it's ok for now.

She is almost like a lullaby. The way she soothes me and inadvertently puts me at ease. She brings me peace in my disjointed mind.

In that mesmerized state, I feel my hand relax in hers. The paper slowly slips from my palm and I do nothing to stop it. Who am I kidding? The moment my knuckles met her door she had already won.

I open my eyes slowly to see hers casted down towards her hands. She's reading it. She knows. But I don't dare run away like my instincts are screaming to. Even the smallest touch, the smallest pressure of her forehead pressed against mine keeps me where I am. She is a drug. I am instantly addicted to her and I can't pull myself away. She's already rushing through my veins and dulling my senses. She keeps me in a comforting haze, a misted oasis. An oasis I cannot escape with the best rehab. There is no substitute for her. There is no redemption. I'm addicted and my heart is committed for as long as it beats.

"Jade" She whispers pulling back to look at me.

She is shaded by an emotion I cannot read. It's as if she's never felt this way before. And as for me... I'm scared out of my mind.

Tell me, do you know what fear is? Being truly afraid? It's not just a term for being scared of something. It's not just a word thrown at us from birth to control our path. It's a _venom_. A deadly pathogen paralyzing us where we stand. It's an emotion bred to manipulate us. It makes us see things that aren't real, and it blinds us from what is. It makes us scream, it silences us, it makes us tremble, it stills our movements, it makes us sweat, it chills us to the bone, it makes us run, it makes us return. This word, this emotion, this _devil_... it breathes in time with us. It pulses through my veins and enters my heart into a race, a marathon. A marathon I know I cannot endure.

Right now, I am afraid.

I can't see it Tori. I can't see what you're trying to say. I don't know this emotion.

Without a word, Tori quickly rushes back into her house. She leaves the door open and I hear her run up the stairs. What could she be doing? Why did she leave? I just untied a knot in my soul for her and she runs. Has she seen something that repulses her? I understand that I'm broken, but am I really so sharp that she doesn't even try to touch me?

The sound of Tori coming back down the stairs breaks my out of my thoughts.

She returns to me with one arm behind her back, my paper nowhere in sight.

"I... this might not mean much. I know it's stupid, it makes no sense, and that you'll probably just throw it away but..." She trails off bringing her arm out from behind her.

A jar. That's all, an empty jar. I look to her, confused of what it means.

"I saw... there was a rainbow out the other day. I thought that... maybe if I caught some of it... you wouldn't hurt anymore. Maybe you-" She doesn't finish. She doesn't get to.

I collapse onto her in hysterics, clutching the jar to my chest.

The rainbow. The illusion. The refraction of water and light. It's the cancer...

And she has it too.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"Who's in the forest strolling?

The birds and the bees sing Jadelyn.  
>The frogs in the pond are calling,<br>Jadelyn, yes, it's true.  
>The trees raise their leaves together.<br>Who needs the sun when we've got you?  
>Who's in the forest strolling?<br>The birds and the bees sing Jadelyn.  
>The frogs in the pond are calling,<br>Jadelyn yes, it's true."

It's stupid. A stupid little song that Tori made up to sing me whenever I cried. Yet it's always calmed me, lulled me.

We've been sitting her for over an hour. Tori is leaning back against her front door, holding me close, and running her fingers through my hair. My eyes have hardly left the jar. It now resides next to Tori and I. It's beautiful. I love it.

I'm actually kind of surprised. Here we are, wrapped up in whatever emotions we aren't supposed to have for each other. We're both allowing ourselves to look past our situation. Regardless of our status, we still love each other. It's all around us, it's in everything.

She runs her hand through my hair as I gently kiss her wrist. She lays a kiss on my head before starting the song again.

This has been our pattern. It's all we've done the past hour.

Why kiss her wrist? Because she loves it. She loves it and I love it. When we were… still together, we would lay in her bed for hours on end, nothing but our bare skin under the sheets. She would gaze at me, telling me how much she loved me and I would kiss her wrist and tell her how beautiful she was.

I would kiss her scars and tell her how beautiful she was.

Her scars. A permanent reminder of harsher times. A roadmap of her past pain. The manuscripts of how she hurt etched into her skin. I hated them. I hated that she was driven to birth them. They're her number one regret. The one thing she would change if she could.

She hid them. She hid them from everyone since they appeared. But not me, she trusted me with them. She gave me her biggest insecurity. She told me they made her ugly and every chance I got, I would kiss each one and tell her she was beautiful. Then one day… she started to believe me.

I guess it doesn't mean much now. Seeing as that was one of the many things I tore her apart with the night we broke up.

_"Stop fucking everything up!" She yells. By now everyone is listening._

_"I'm fucking everything up? Yes Tori, why don't you roll up your sleeves and wipe off the make-up. Why don't we let everyone see who's really fucking everything up?" I spit._

That was among the many things I said to her that night. I broke her…

Yet even now she's putting me back together, even after I was so awful to her.

When she handed me that jar… something changed. Something was fixed. I felt a sickening pain, like part of whatever shattered tore me back open to fit where it's supposed to. It was the ripping of skin, it gouged and sank itself back in place. It's working again. Although I'm bleeding I know that I'll be better soon. Better than I was.

And I want to do that for her too. After I broke her so badly… she needs me to fix what I did. She at least needs me to try.

As Tori restarts the song, I kiss her wrist again.

"You're so beautiful" I whisper.

I would say that she didn't hear it, but I know that's not true. Her voice cut out the minute I said it. Her breathing wavered. She whimpered. She cried.

I sit up from her to look her in the eyes. And there… right there, I see it.

She still believes me.

…**.. …. … …. …. … … …. … ….**

**Hello my Lotus Blossoms. Another chapter for you.**

**So, this one was up a little later than I wanted, but hey, it's better than three months. I actually enjoyed writing this one quite a bit. Granted, it's a little choppy, but it gets a passing grade by me.**

**And on another note, I'm finally getting everything back in order. Over my three month hiatus I actually had the opportunity to fly to Texas to spend some time with one of my readers. Crazy how the internet, specifically fanfiction, can create relationships. So a big shout out to iAmSuperman-shhh for putting up with me for a week.**

**And as for my other shout outs:**

**Zinzu: My darling Zinzu, I loved that and I will quote it forever.**

**Newsies73: You flatter me my dear.**

**Chaos: New chapter, where are my cookies?**

**SkylerPhoenix: Well I wanna hug you too. Surprisingly enough, I got a lot of people saying they shed tears in the last chapter, I guess I did something right.**

**Many more I wish I could get to, you know I love you all.**

**So, that's all for this update loves, till the next chapter. Reviews = Love, so spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


	7. She Changed Me

Lonely. Where only you stand. There are no voices, nothing to see, nothing to hear. That is, nothing but yourself. There is nothing but your mind to keep you company. It's a place where you're introvert extroverts, caging you into a prison of your own thoughts. Trapped. Trapped and lost within your own mind. Thus bringing the thought, no one likes to be alone. No one actually wants to wade through their own thoughts and emotions. We all know if you're not careful, they'll drown you. They'll squeeze the life right out of you if given the chance. But is it that we don't like it, or that we're afraid of it? Trapped within the walls of our own minds. There's nothing there to break our imagination. Nothing there to separate the real from the dreamt. All your sorrows bare down on you and cause you to hallucinate. You see things that aren't real.

And all mine are about Tori. The illusion that she's here, or that she'll never be. I swear I can hear her breathing, but in turn, I'm just hearing my own.

Pathetic.

Sitting here wallowing in my self-worth. As pitiful as it is, I'm not lying. I am lonely. I hardly remember leaving Tori and coming back home last night. I was actually surprised to wake up and find an empty space in my bed. It was the first time since we fell apart that I actually... forgot. I forgot about the pain and the heartache we endured. It was like our bodies stayed in the current state while our emotions went back in time to intertwine. Like they had never separated from each other.

I guess I just got stuck there. Nothing was said, we both just let go of each other and Cat drove me back home.

Speaking of, I need to thank Cat for staying through all of that just to take me back home. We were there for hours.

I don't regret a second of it.

I know I've thought about this before but, it's crazy how much Tori changed me. She formed me. She made me more than I ever thought I could be-

"Hey Jade-"

"Another word and you'll be eating those glasses" I immediately blurt out to Robbie.

Well… I only act different with her.

And Robbie, well, I've never seen him run faster. But I mean, really, if I'm stabbing the life out of my salad then why on earth would you come talk to me? Clearly I'm not in a good mood, or well, a worse mood than usual.

Anyway, back to my previous train of thought, I'm different with Tori. I almost don't even recognize my own voice when I talk to her. It's soft and gentle… almost helpless. It's not the hard confident tone I usually talk in. She's amazing how she can just reach right in and do what she wants.

I mean, I've built so many walls around myself, I don't even think I know how to get out. But I guess that was the point. Keep everyone else out and lock my heart in. Up until we fell in love I unlocked some of the doors to these walls and let her in. When she made it to the final wall, it had no door. It was designed as a protection and a containment. She was never supposed to get in. But it didn't even matter to her. It's like she reached over it to find me. All I could do was turn away and pretend she couldn't see me. The only thing protecting me from her then was my rib cage. And before I knew it, she had smashed through that too. It was over, she had my heart. In that moment, I didn't need walls anymore. She was my protection. My containment.

"Jade?"

"Yes?" I say softly.

See what I mean? I didn't even process, I didn't even look at her and I've already softened into something else.

"Um…" Tori bites her lip. She is adorable when she does that. "If you want… you should sit with us" She says nervously.

Sit with them? After being away for so long? Do I even remember how to be friends with them? And why is she nervous? She knows I love her and that she could say anything to me.

"Uh… yeah. Sure" I say completely surprised.

I hesitate for a moment before picking up my bag and following her. I leave my salad where it sits, I wasn't that hungry anyway.

When I sit down (between Beck and Cat). All eyes are on me.

"What?" I snap. Everyone simultaneously jumps and gets back to whatever they were talking about.

Clearly it would've been nice to sit next to Tori, but baby steps right? I'm willing to be patient with her and wait. After all this how can I not be?

"Can I help you?" I glare at Andre. He's been staring at me since I sat down.

"I think you've done enough" He growls.

Sure, Tori and I are heartbroken over each other, but it's like Andre is channeling all the bitterness. Granted, he's Tori's best friend, he deserves to be upset with me, but he's taken it too far. I mean, he _really_ hates me for what I did to her. He's been like Tori's bodyguard. He keeps me away from her. In the beginning I understood why, but he's been nothing short of an asshole since then.

"Please, I'm dying to know how you figure that" I say with a healthy eye roll.

"We all know what you did. No one wants you here" He stands up, leaning on the table. Oh Andre, getting in my face is never a good thing.

"Oh really?" I say standing up and mirroring his stance. "Then tell me, if no one wants me here, why was I invited over here by my girlfriend?" I ask.

"Ex" He corrects.

No. I will not put that curse before anything that involves Tori.

By now everyone at our table is either scared, or like Robbie, passed out.

"Tori wants me here, that should be enough" I say ignoring his comment.

"It's not, leave" He says sternly.

I wanna hit him. I really do. It would be so easy for me to reach over this table and lay him out. After all I have a reputation to keep. No one gets to talk to me this way. I don't back down from anyone. I'm Jade fucking West.

"Fine" I say calmly as I grab my bag.

And just like that, I leave.

Their faces couldn't be any more mind blown than when I walked away. Yeah, I should've hit him. I had every right to kick his ass. But… my fists grew weak. My arms were like dead weights. I couldn't-wouldn't fight with him because I refused to get that low in front of Tori again. I will not drag her to that point of worry and frustration. I love her too much to do that again. She changed me. In that moment, I realized I love Tori more that I hate anything else. I love her more than my reputation. More than my will to fight.

I just love her so much more.

…. ….. …. ….. ….. … …. ….. ….. …

Today has been a harder day in this present hell.

I've gotten dirty looks all day from just about anyone who looks in my direction. I've been called a few names here and there by a few students as well. Of course, they ran away before I could make that the last word they would ever say, but it still slightly bothers me. Andre and I's little banter at lunch seems to have caused quite a disturbance for the school. It's like now just because Andre got away with it everyone else is finally nutting up. No matter, it'll blow over the next time someone so much as looks at me the wrong way on Monday. That poor dejected soul won't know what hit them, literally.

I don't know why I care though, it's not like this treatment from Tori's followers isn't normal. Today I'm just not in the mood for it I guess.

As I make my way out of the school, hear two teenagers argue in the distance down the next hallway. I really don't know why I even bothered to notice that. Two random people that go to this school shouldn't faze me. I think they're fighting about sex.

Why am I even stopping to listen?

Something's just nagging at me. I don't know why, but something just feels off. It's one of those things you can't really explain, you just know something isn't right. Even now they're arguing is getting louder.

Dammit Jade, why do you care?

"Don't fight it... I'll make you strait" I hear a guy say in a disgusting tone.

"Stop Jason, let go"

... That's why.

"You're only making this harder" he says strained.

By this point I'm already walking in their direction.

"Let go!" she yells.

I hear someone get slammed into the lockers and shortly after she screams. But it's not just a scream. She doesn't just scream to be heard, it's not just white noise. She screamed a name. _My_ name.

"Jade!" Rings out through the halls again, but by then I'm already sprinting.

Just as I round the corner they come into view. He has her pinned against the lockers with his body. One hand is up her shirt and the other is pinning one of her wrists above her head. She's clearly trying to push him off, but Tori's never been quite as strong as I wish she was.

"It'll be my name you're screaming in a minute" he says has he, I kid you not, licks her tears off her face.

Mind you I'm still in an all out sprint, but something broke in me when I saw that. 

He's touching my Tori.

_My_ Tori.

Before I knew it my hand dug into his shoulder and spun him to face me. In the split second his eyes met mine, all of his confidence to be anywhere near Tori was gone. I'm sure if given the chance, he would've run, but of course that's if I had given him the chance.

In an instant, my fist collided with his jaw and a sickening crunch rang out in the empty halls. Yes, a crunch, not a crack. It was like the sound of shaking a bottle of pills, only, it came from his face. And just like the man he is, he immediately starts crying, no, wailing on the ground.

I should've kept going. I should've beat the absolute shit out of him. But a sniffle and a small whimper grabs my attention. Like I said before, she changed me.

When I turn and see her, my entire demeanor changes. It's weird. Usually I'd tell myself she could wait till I was finished, but something about this... she can't wait.

Sitting against the lockers she holds her teary gaze, almost in wonder. I kneel down in front of her, concern written all over my face, and reach out to her. I pull my sleeve over my hand and begin drying her face from her tears and that bastards drool.

"You're here" She whimpers. It's like she doesn't believe it. Like I'm not really here.

And honestly it's by the grace of some God that I was. I just happened to be leaving the school late because of a detention I got for, I quote "Being a gank", in Sikowits's class earlier today. My bad attitude that I was being scolded for actually saved Tori.

"I promised you I would protect you didn't I?" I say softly, pulling my sleeve back over my hand.

After that there was a lot of crying. Crying from the both of us. I held her so close and she never once pulled away. It was the first time I had ever cried with her. The first time had ever cried with anyone. Sure, Tori's held me many times when I've cried and vise-versa, we've even cried together. But I have never cried **with **her. It felt… well it was painful to say the least, but it made me feel something I had never felt before.

Sypmathy.

"Will you take me home?" Tori asks looking up at me.

I simply stand her up with me and hold her tightly as we walk to my car. We leave the bastard where he lies, still crying might I add.

The entire drive is silent. Not even a glance at each other. To most it would only be rational after Tori and I fell apart, but as tightly as our hands are clasped over the middle console, well I think that's all the conversation we need.

When I pull up next to her house she doesn't move. She simply stares at her down at her lap and sniffles.

"We're here" I say quietly. If I'm too loud I may scare her. She is so delicate right now and anything above a whisper might just break her.

"Why haven't you stopped trying?" She asks, eyes still cast down.

"Because I can't. I won't. We've made it this far… it's lasted this long. My heart… it won't let you go" I say as I start to tear up.

I hate being weak… being vulnerable. But that's just what she does to me. She rubs me raw until I cry out for mercy. Her mercy. Her forgiveness.

"I've pushed you so far away. But it's like it doesn't even matter to you. You're still here, right next to me." She says finally looking up at me.

"There's nowhere else I'll let myself be. This is where I belong." Please Tori. Please let the cancer mutilate your cells. Let the cancer eat away at your bones and thicken your blood.

"Then why now? Why are you ready now? Why weren't you there when we needed it?" She says as fresh tears leave their tracks down her cheeks.

"I… you know why." I say. She's heard it so many times before. "Tori… I can't be as sorry as you think I should. I can't be anything more than what I've been trying to be since we fell apart. And if it takes my whole damn life to make this right, then so be it. You're worth it."

Die with me Tori. Let this disease eat us alive and damn us to a long torturous death.

"You know I can't… I'm not ready to-"

"I know" I say cutting her off. "And it's ok. Just some more time." I say cracking a weak smile.

_**Flashback**_

"_What do you want? Tell me what you want and I'll do it or fix it or find it or whatever you want." I beg._

"_Time" She whimpers._

"_Ok then, we have time. We have forever Tori." I try to smile._

"_Apart" _

"_What?" I whisper._

"_I want time… apart." Ok… just some time apart for both our sakes. That makes sense. Just a little time._

"_Ok, a little time apart. You got it. For how long?" I ask_

"_I don't know… as long as it takes… forever… I don't know Jade." She says stifling a sob._

_Forever? She… she wants to be apart forever. How exactly does she plan to do that? We can't just avoid each other. We can't just run from each other. We're in love. This can't happen because we're in love. She has my heart. Regardless of if she wants it or not, my heart's gonna follow her wherever she goes. And unfortunately for her, I follow my heart._

_**End Flashback**_

She nods but still makes no move to get out of my car.

"Will you stay with me?" She asks. "I feel like he'll find me or-"

"I'm not going anywhere" I say before she can finish.

Staying with her may be a step forward, but she's still keeping me at bay. I'm still nowhere near where I should be. I'm still in the darkness.

When we get up to her room the silence between us says it all. She curls up, laying her head on my chest, and I hold her tightly.

"Don't leave" She whispers.

"Never" I whisper back, kissing her head.

And there's that feeling again. The one I've never had before.

Sympathy.

Sure I've had those rare times when I've felt bad for someone, but there is a fine line between pity and sympathy.

Although there was no personal offense to me, I'm making it personal. I'm sharing the pain with her. I'm not hurting for her, but **with** her. I'm letting it affect me. I'm leveling myself with her.

Maybe I don't always have to be ready to hold her. Maybe we can hold each other and cry with each other. Maybe… maybe there doesn't always have to be a strong one.

Maybe by hurting with each other… we will make each other stronger.

… … …**. ….. ….. ….. …. ….**

**Hello my Lotus Blossoms.**

**So, there's another leg in this journey.**

**Sorry it's been so long, I've been incredibly busy with a near death experience and being on call waiting for my niece to be born. But besides all that, things are good.**

**So, what do you think? You guys should leave lot's of reviews for my belated birthday present. *hint hint***

**I don't have much to say today, so here's to a few of you awesome people:**

**Gunner 3284: Glad to see I can even reach out to you.**

**Zinzu: My darling Zinzu, I'm flattered and I must say, I find you pretty zinzurific too.**

**ShoutItFromTheRooftops: Why thank you my friend. I'm addicted to writing it.**

**CrazyRedHairedChick333: Glad I could reach out to you as well. The emotions in this one are even taking me for a ride.**

**Newsies73: That scene is probably one of my favorites so far too.**

**Jimalim320: That is a HUGE compliment that I am not worthy of, but thank you.**

**I'd also like to give a huge shout-out to Spezria96 for being my 100th review. It's been quite a trip and I am so thankful and blessed to have you guys. Thank you all so much for reviewing and staying with me through all this, and welcome to any new readers.**

**Alright loves, that's all for this update. Reviews = Love, so spread it around. Thick. **

**A.Y.P.**


	8. She Doesn't Deserve You

_**Previously**_

_"Will you stay with me?" She asks. "I feel like he'll find me or-"_

_"I'm not going anywhere" I say before she can finish._

_Staying with her may be a step forward, but she's still keeping me at bay. I'm still nowhere near where I should be. I'm still in the darkness._

_When we get up to her room the silence between us says it all. She curls up, laying her head on my chest, and I hold her tightly._

_"Don't leave" She whispers._

_"Never" I whisper back, kissing her head._

_And there's that feeling again. The one I've never had before._

_Sympathy._

_Sure I've had those rare times when I've felt bad for someone, but there is a fine line between pity and sympathy._

_Although there was no personal offense to me, I'm making it personal. I'm sharing the pain with her. I'm not hurting for her, but __**with**__ her. I'm letting it affect me. I'm leveling myself with her. _

_Maybe I don't always have to be ready to hold her. Maybe we can hold each other and cry with each other. Maybe… maybe there doesn't always have to be a strong one. _

_Maybe by hurting with each other… we will make each other stronger._

….. …. …. ….. ….. … … ….

I left.

I left her that night sleeping peacefully in her bed after she was assaulted. It was better that way.

If I woke up next to her… I wouldn't be able to leave. I would've crumpled and collapsed onto her, begging her to take me back.

Whenever she woke up I know she wasn't angry or hurt. I know that she understood why I had to go.

Not much really happed that night anyway. We cried and held each other, that's all.

I have to say though, my chest hurts a lot more than usual. There's usual that dull ache from a fractured heart and the place her head used to lay, but today it's like someone left an axe in my chest. Maybe it's because I'm unsatisfied with leaving her. Maybe it's because all I can do is steal glances at her in class or at lunch just like any other day. Maybe it's because I know that nothing has changed.

One thing that really hasn't changed is how easily I could shove this pencil into Beck's face. He's been trying to figure out what's wrong with me for two days. Relentlessly. Seriously, why can't he just leave me the fuck alone? Just because something's wrong doesn't mean that I need a fucking therapy session to talk it out. I just want to be left alone. Let me deal with it how I wanna deal with it.

"Hey Jade... what wron-UGH" before the sentence is even finished, or before I even realize who said it, my fist is knocking the air out of Robbie. I was actually kind of surprised by my own antics, I didn't even realize that I hit him until he hit the ground sucking in air. Whups. Well at least everyone's already left the classroom so I won't get in trouble.

"I'd ask if you were ok but I _really_ don't care" I say looking down at him. Pity. I kind of wish I did care.

"Just can't stop hurting people can ya?" I hear Andre say walking past me to pick up Robbie.

"Since I'm on a roll, you wanna be next" I say with a smirk.

"Depends, after me God knows what you'll do to Tori." He says with a glare.

"Fuck me, what the hell is up your ass Andre?" I'm tired of this. I am sick and tired of him being a complete asshole.

"What do think Jade?" He yells.

"You do realize Tori isn't even this mad at me" I say with an eye roll.

"She doesn't have to be. She never deserved any of this Jade. She never deserved _you"._

You have no idea how loudly that echoed inside my head. She never deserved me. She never deserved the disaster that I am.

"You… you're right." I say swallowing hard.

"Huh?" He says with a look of complete bewilderment.

"You're right. She never deserved someone as awful as me and I never deserved someone as amazing as she is. I was terrible to her. But I'm what she got. As much as I'm sure she got gypped out of something amazing, I'm just… I'm just the one. I know I messed up Andre, you don't have to tell me. But she made me… she at least gave me a soul." I say keeping intense contact. His face is as sympathetic as I've ever seen it.

"I screwed up bad. And I'm going to the ends of the earth, I'm going to hell and back to fix things. You know me Andre, longer than Tori has, I've never tried harder at anything in my entire life. I love her far more than anyone else ever will and I'm doing everything I can to show her that. To apologize. And I'm sorry Andre. I hurt Tori and I hurt you. But I need her and I need you to let me." I finish. Tears are threatening to fall but I will not cry. I will not be vulnerable for anyone but Tori.

"I… " He pauses. He looks like he understands. Like he believes me.

"Please Andre" I say, still in my strong confident tone.

"Ok" He says.

That's it. That's all. He said ok then he picked up Robbie and left.

… ….. …. …. …. … …. ….. ….. …

She didn't deserve me.

It's weird how when something is simply worded differently, it makes such a difference.

I always hear that Tori could do better or that she's out of my league. Even that I didn't deserve her. But her not deserving me… that hurt. But it's true. No one deserves the thing that I am. I am a blade with no handle. You can't wield it without being wounded. The only ones who can wield it are those that are willing to sacrifice themselves. The ones willing to die just to touch it.

I will destroy your enemies but take your life as well. How long… how long did Tori hold me? How long did she endure my torture? How deep was the blade piercing her own heart? How much did she suffer just to touch me?

I could've killed her.

_My love… I am too dangerous for you. Lock me away in a place I may never be found. That I may never hurt another being as long as I live. My isolation will be a warning to all to seek me. My isolation will be a punishment for all the lives I have taken. For all the flesh I've torn. Lock me in a box and throw away the key. Leave me my love and never look back. _

_No longer will I control the swipes of the blade. No longer will I control the extension of your body. I will not calibrate the strikes nor the recoil. Cast me into the ocean my love. Let me be lost in the darkness., Let me sink to the bottom never to be found again. Let me rust and corrode. Let me be destroyed at the mercy of the black salt. Let me die by the hands of another just as you have. My love… I am too dangerous for you._

My tears stain the page of what I've just written.

Here, alone, in the dark, just as I should be. Locked away in my room so no one else gets hurt. Let my sins fill the spaces till I rust and corrode away. I am too dangerous for my love. She is naïve and walks blindly down treacherous paths. That is how she came to me. That's how she picked me up and brought me back into the light.

Tori… my love… why must you do this. I am a monster. You don't deserve me. Look away from my temptation and run the other way. Don't search for the good you know I have. Let me hold onto it and dream of what I could've been.

Don't let me hurt you anymore. You're free now. Don't let yourself come back. Stop… just stop seeing what you see in me. Stop fixing me with just one glance.

I am no good for her… but like I told Andre… I'm what she got. She didn't end up with prince charming. She got Jade West. She got the forbidden blade. She grasped it with both hands and didn't even flinch at the pain. She was wounded fatally… but she still has hope. She still has some sort of faith in me.

After all that's happened… she will not lock me away. She won't cast me into the ocean. She won't let me die.

And now… I find my blade dull where her hands used to be.

….. ….. …. ….. ….. ….. …. … ….. …

"It's so dark"

I know. A blinding darkness. So thick you almost have to wade through it.

Why are you even here? Why have you come? I'm dangerous and covered in your opposite.

Yet you still see me.

I'm back in the darkness, well, as much as I can be. I find that it's bittersweet. There are plenty of times where I've explained why I hate it. Why it smothers me. But there are two sides to every coin.

It's a cloak, a hideaway. I'll even go as far as saying that it can be a comfort. When I can no longer hide, when I've exhausted my body from running, when my façade shatters… it's my last attempt to keep her away. I turn the lights out. Then she… no one can see me falling apart. The darkness hides my tears. In the darkness, I am whatever I say I am. I am who you last saw in the light. You have no proof that I am anything different.

Yet you still see me.

You and you're angelic glow. Though darkness may be all around you, it is forbidden to touch and anything you touch with then ignite in its own glow. But it burns. It's burns my porcelain skin, made fragile by the darkness. You have the kiss of light on your skin whereas I have the rawness of the dark. It's too much. Please… please leave me in this place. Leave me shrouded in all you can't see.

"Jade… look at me"

No. I can't Tori… please don't make me. Don't see this.

"I need to see you" She says gently raising her hand to my cheek and moving me to look at her.

And suddenly it burns. She burns me, the moonlight streaming in through my window burns me, but I can't turn away. Tori… no… don't look at me. Look Away! Tori I don't want you to see me!

"I've never seen anything more beautiful" Tori says wiping a lone tear from my face.

No… lies. There all lies. She lies to you Jade! She doesn't deserve you. You are hideous. Just look at what you've done, look how broken you are. All the fragments have you distorted and bent. You look nothing of beauty. There all lies!

"Come out for me princess?" She asks.

I let out a sob.

What royalty am I? No, I am a peasant. I am a beggar. I am dirty and homeless.

"There you are" She says with a warm smile.

She's done it. The darkness… it's gone. It no longer holds me. It diminishes with every tear that falls. I can't blind her from seeing me, seeing the mess that I am. I can't hide from her. No matter how far I run, she's always on my heels. No matter how much I hide, she's always right next to me. And the truth is that I need that. Without her everywhere and in everything, I would be eternally lost. Forever wading through darkness until I reach the edge of the world and fall to my death.

"I'm so sorry" I sob.

"What do you mean" She says, her voice full of concern.

"For everything.. for all that I am." I pause to take a deep breath ( I need to calm down) "Everything that I did to you… I thought I was everything and I was Tori. But only because I had you"

"Jade, you're already so much without me" She reasons.

"But I don't want It" I say shifting to where I'm on my knees like she is, facing her. "I don't want any of it unless you're telling me how to control it or what to do with it" I say taking her hands in mine.

"Jade…" She trails off.

"I wanna be done with this Tori. I don't wanna be Jade West anymore. I don't ever want to be what I am and was again. I want to be everything that you want. That's what you are for me and I can't imagine not having that again."

"Jade… I don't… what you want from me?" She asks, tears streaming down her face.

"I… I wanna marry you"

…**.. …. … ….. … … ….. ….. …**

**Hello my Lotus Blossoms.**

**Ok… don't kill me. I know it's been far too long but… believe me when I say I have a good reason.**

**So, that… was an emotional chapter. I drew from a lot of my emotions and the emotions of others close to me for this one. I'm not even sure if it all makes sense… but whatever it was, it needed to come out. What do you think of it? Also sorry for any mistakes that I didn't fix, I'm tired.**

**A lot of you were either all "I hope you were kidding about a near death experience" or "OMJ WAT TEH EFF HAPPENED?" haha. Yes, I actually had a near death experience. In a nut shell, donating blood plasma is not for me. Bad reaction, blah blah blah, almost died but didn't, yay.**

**Along with that, my sister had her baby so I'm an aunt (for the 8th time). Over 36 hours straight awake at the hospital to welcome by beautiful baby niece into the world Oct. 21st. I swear there is no love greater than what I have for her.**

**In other news, A LOT has been going on with me the past month. I took the annual trip to Georgia, which was awesome, went to my cousins wedding (caught the bouquet WHAT WHAT), annnnnd probably the highlight… **

**So, very little of you know that I'm adopted, never had a problem with it and I've always wanted to meet my birth family. Weeeeellllll after two years or so of searching, the weekend before Thanksgiving, I get the call that they're alive and well and want to meet me too. My relationship with my birth family has been on the primary lately so I haven't had too much time to write.**

**Anyway, now that I've justified my awesome absence, on to a few of you lovely people;**

**Spezria: You flatter me, I am just another broken teenager, I just know how to channel it into this I guess.**

**Jay aka Jordan: I laughed so hard at that.**

**Zinzu: My darling Zinzu, her name is Hadassah. I actually really love it. Google it and you'll immediately know where it comes from, unless you read the bible then you should already know.**

**Samijo: Yes, it's a reason. A good one… I think…**

**Anaruimelo: MORE? !**

**Alright loves, that's all for this update. Thank you guys so much for sticking with me through all of this. I know it's not easy which is what makes you all so great. I truly love all of you.**

**Till the next chapter, Reviews = Love, so spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


	9. You Are Mine

**Previously**

_"I'm so sorry" I sob._

_"What do you mean" She says, her voice full of concern._

_"For everything.. for all that I am." I pause to take a deep breath ( I need to calm down) "Everything that I did to you… I thought I was everything and I was Tori. But only because I had you"_

_"Jade, you're already so much without me" She reasons._

_"But I don't want It" I say shifting to where I'm on my knees like she is, facing her. "I don't want any of it unless you're telling me how to control it or what to do with it" I say taking her hands in mine._

_"Jade…" She trails off._

_"I wanna be done with this Tori. I don't wanna be Jade West anymore. I don't ever want to be what I am and was again. I want to be everything that you want. That's what you are for me and I can't imagine not having that again."_

_"Jade… I don't… what you want from me?" She asks, tears streaming down her face._

_"I… I wanna marry you"_

**Present**

Silence.

Nothing but silence blaring into my ears. It makes my head ache. All she does is look at me, eyes full of pity. Pitying what I've become. How I'm so low I pull this card. How lost I am without her.

Here I am, stripped down to nothing. Raw as I can be. Naked, bleeding for her. I am not Jade West, I am the pathetic leftovers of her. I'm what's left after my dark fortress crumbles. This small frame of what used to be human. I am malnourished, skin and bone, dying of the cancer, and all she does is pity me.

Please Tori… my light… say something.

"Jade" She says softly, running her hand through my hair. "Not yet"

"Not yet?" I whimper. I sound so different… so weak.

"It's just not time yet" She says with tears in her eyes.

For the first time since we started talking my eyes leave hers. I take a deep breath and exhale through my nose. My jaw clenches tightly, as if I'm trying to regain my sense of Jade West. As if flexing a few muscles and putting the harshness back into my voice will work. Like the glare I can't muster and my rigid movements will make this hurt any less.

Pathetic.

She _is_ my confidence.

She's the one who gives me what I am. Even now.

But.. not time yet? Then when? Tori haven't I waited long enough? Haven't I suffered enough for my actions? Haven't you healed at least a little by now?

"Why?" I ask defeated. I won't argue with her. We both know that. But I want to know why.

Her look turns almost to shame.

"What are you not telling me?" I ask.

Tell me Tori, tell me so you never have to wear shame. You aren't meant for that emotion. You should be proud of all that you are.

"Beck… Beck asked me out" She says in… fear.

And that was a punch to the chest alone. The fact that she's afraid of me, of what I might do to her. She knows I've never hurt her physically but I'm the greatest natural disaster when it comes to what I can do to someone emotionally.

And second… Beck? Beck my ex boyfriend. My world at one time. The one who's supposedly my only friend during all of this. Beck who tried to be the nice guy and comfort me. Beck who knows how I still feel about Tori.

"Are you gonna go?" I ask quietly. She nods slowly.

Rage. Nothing but pure, blind, rage. It rings through every part of my body. Yet something refuses to let it into my mouth.

"Ok" I say.

She almost looks confused at that. Surprised that I didn't strike her with the blunt end of an insult. I should be mad, furious. Don't worry, there's a part of me that is at Beck, but he'll get his. At Tori… I feel nothing but sympathy. At least she picked someone who will treat her better than I ever did. She needs to heal… and I need to let her.

"I'm not trying to forget about you… or anything" She says, eyes curious and full of wonder. "It's nothing serious. It's just been a while since we fell apart. Maybe this will help the both of us." She says.

Her entire demeanor changes with that last statement. She almost looks like she doesn't agree with what she just said. Odd. She knows she can hide her thoughts and emotions from me if she really wants to, so why let this one be so obvious? Why basically tell me that she's just as stuck on us as I am?

"I don't want him" She says flatly.

"I know" I answer. He's a good guy, but he's not the one Tori. He may be better, but he's not me.

What she does next kind of surprises me. She crawls into my lap to lay her head on my chest. I naturally wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. This feels… just like how it should be. How we were always meant to be.

"I don't want any of them." She says.

"Then why are you going?" I ask softly.

"Because I wanted to want him. To want anyone. But I can't." She says

A bittersweet comment.

She wants to rid herself of me. She wants this disease cleansed from her body. This tumor removed from her heart. She wants to forget of the discoloration of her skin and the unbearable pain that comes with it. She wants to live free of me.

But there's no cure for cancer.

… ….. …. …. …. ….. … ….. ….. ….

"Jadey!"

"What did I say about that name at school?" I growl.

"Oh.. oopsie!" Cat bursts into a fit of giggles. Sometimes I wish I could punch her, but no one on this planet has the heart for that.

"What do you want, I have classes to disrupt" I say slinging my bag over my shoulder and shutting my locker.

"Oh! This one time my brother-"

"To the point Cat"

"Right! I was wondering why Beck is so angry at you" She asks tilting her head.

"Don't know, don't care" I say walking away. One, why the hell would I care? Two, I'm far more pissed at him than he is at me.

I huff and just as I round the corner to another hallway I run right smack into the bastard himself.

"Jade" He greets coldly.

"Little bitch" I greet right back.

"Stop. Why did you tell Tori to cancel our date?" He asks fuming.

"I didn't, she probably just realized how much you fancy stabbing me in the back."

"I didn't stab you in the back" He defends.

"Really? So you didn't ask Tori on a date knowing full well how I feel about her?" I raise my voice.

"It's not like that Jade. You know I've liked Tori since we broke up. She's made up her mind about you so why should I ignore that?" He asks.

"Because she's _mine_ Beck." We are dying together, for each other. "And whether you like it or not, I'm just as much hers." I take to steps forward, my face right in his.

"You treated her like shit. You broke her" He seethes.

"I did. I was awful to her and I deserve everything I've gotten. But if you think for one second that you'll ever love her more than I will, you have another thing coming." I say in a calm voice. Calm but full of warning. "I love her far more than anyone else ever could. And if it comes to it, I will break you for her without hesitation"

My jaw is clenched, his eyes are narrowed, and there's a thick tension in the few inches that separate our faces.

I will not give up. If I have to take my own life, I will die with her. There's a danger present all around me and he knows that. A dark dangerous aura that is making him hesitate. Making him rethink everything. He's seen it before, everyone has. They all know what it is. It's the calm before the storm. The ones that used to leave broken people in my wake, usually Tori. But not this time. No no, this time I'm threatening him and anyone who dares to take her. This time I'm not fighting her, but fighting _for_ her. She is my love, and I will tear anyone in half who so much as looks at her the wrong way.

"Fine" he says quietly, finally breaking the glare we both had.

After that, he simply moves out of my way and we get to class.

I am Jade West. No one fucks with me.

I am Jade West. I bow to no one.

I am Jade West. I will fight for what's mine.

I am Jade West. And I belong to Tori Vega.

… …. … …. ….. ….. … …. …

"Jade?"

No. Please not now.

Not after today. I've had enough of explaining myself playing bitch today.

"I'm not angry"

I don't care. I want you out. I want you out of my head and out of my room. I am bitter and I am broken.

"Please talk to me."

And say what? Exactly what I've been saying all this time? Say the same things I've said to you every time we talk?

"I don't know what you want me to say." I say quietly.

"Are you really mine?" She asks sitting on the edge of my bed facing me.

"What are you talking about?" I say not bothering to turn my gaze from my window.

"I talked to Beck. He seemed upset at lunch and he told me that you two fought." She says. "Are you really mine?"

I finally look over to her. "I wanna be"

I sound pathetic. I sound like I have nothing else to live for. Like if she doesn't take me back, I'll die. That's only half true. Physically I will be fine. I'll go on living the same life I've always had. I'll still have my porcelain skin, dark hair, and unsettling demeanor. But emotionally… mentally, I will die. My head and heart are wrapped around her so tightly, I'm not sure I know how to let go. If I untangle myself from her, what will be left is the splayed out, stretched out version of what I was. The deformed and mutilated mess of what my emotions were. Who would want that? Who would want something so hideous and mangled? They wouldn't be able to hide it. They couldn't fix it. I would never fit anyone else just right. Who would want that?

"Why?" she asks.

"Because that's what I am. I always have been. I… I just never realized it I guess" I say, almost pleading with her.

"Why now? Why after… why after you tore me apart?" She stifles a sob.

"Because it took tearing myself apart to see it." I say.

I wanna cry with her so badly. I wanna show her that it hurts me too. That I'm broken too.

"I don't know what else I can say Tori. I don't know what else you want from me. I have no idea what to do to make this better. You know I'm a mess. You know I'm broken. You know I can hardly function without you. Whatever you did to me… I can't go back to being what I was. I don't know how and that's ok. That's not good enough for me anymore. I don't want it. Not if it means not having you." I finish, a lone tear traveling down my cheek.

Please Tori. Please believe me. You have to. You followed me home today just so you could hear this right? You came back for me right? Tori please, I'm begging you, give me something. Show me that I am not hopeless. Tell me that I'm not a bad person. Give me something to hold on to.

"I should go" She says, unable to look at me. That cuts through me like a knife. She said it so delicately but it felt like a thousand razor blades to the heart.

"Yeah…" I get out. It was forced. She and I both know that. But I can't say anything else, nothing else will form. Nothing else with matter.

She looks back up at me for a moment, pity drawn all over her face, then she gets up to leave my room. Just before she closes the door behind herself, she calls to me.

"Jade?" She asks quietly. I look over to her, barely keeping myself together.

"You're still my love…"

And at that, I lose it. She's gone, and I completely lose it. I'm in hysterics for hours to where even my father asked if I was ok.

It's a searing pain. It hurts so much. Like your bones suddenly relocating after being shattered. Like the cauterizing of an open wound. She… she's fixing me. All starting with those words echoing of the walks of my skull.

_"You're still my love…"_

…**. … …. ….. ….. ….. … …. …**

**Hello my Lotus Blossoms.**

**So, this one was out a bit quicker than usual. I just finished moving into a new house these past two weeks and I don't have any internet. So besides crying in a corner over it, I also decided to do some writing. I have mixed feelings over this chapter. I like all the emotion it draws, but It's also a little vague for my taste. Oh well. More detail and a little more action in the next one.**

**ALSO, I hope you all had a great End of the world, Christmas, New Years. Here's my gift to you.**

**I also wanna touch on something amazing that happened a week ago. Fanfiction is a place where people come together, share their hearts, and occasionally make really good friends. Well, through these relationships I've managed to meet one of my readers and a mutual friend of one of my readers face to face in the past year. Over new years I flew the mutual friend up here and spent the week with them. Something magical happened and I'm just in awe of how it came to be. This place really is wonderful and my heart goes out to each and every one of you that makes it that way. I truly love you all.**

**AND I just got done moving and guess who doesn't have internet? *curls up in corner and cries because the world is hellish without internet* So I apologize for the terrible delays in updates.**

**To some of you lovely people:**

**Lissfuller: I do that every time I write a chapter.**

**Zinzu: My darling Zinzu, thank you for your concern. No more donations for me.**

**Jakarie: Been a long time my friend. I agree this is definitely an emotional one.**

**Samijo: Thank you my friend. It's been my goal to get us to really sympathize with Jade, glad to know it's working.**

**ALSO SUPER IMPORTANT**

**It's come to my attention that the Topaz Awards are once again going out. If you go to the community portion of Victorious and then to the forums I believe, you'll find the nominations. So far Undisclosed Desired is nominated (although The Art of Falling in Love is somewhat better written in my opinion). I'm super stoked about that. I'm not gonna ask you to nominate or vote for me, but I am gonna remind you to vote and nominate your favorite stories. I think I speak for all the authors when I say it's appreciated. **

**Alright loves, that's all for this one. I truly love you all. Till the next chapter, Reviews = Love. So spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


	10. The Moon and The Ocean

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am a bad person.

I deserve no second chance. No probation. No parole. I deserve the iron around my wrists and the chains around my ankles. I deserve the cage I'm in. The bars separating the dangerous animal from the innocent.

It's funny how it all works. From the outside looking in, the light looks into the darkness. But from the inside looking out, the darkness looks into the light. It just depends on what side you're on that makes the difference. It seems I can't escape it. The darkness is everywhere. I fall into to it wherever I go. I will always look to the light but never be in it.

Pathetic.

I am a prisoner to my own soul. Sentenced to my own skin.

I've been charged with every tear that's grazed Tori's features. I'm the one to blame. I've finally got what has been coming for a long time.

I am cold. I am an animal. I lash out and scar anyone within range. It's just what I do, even to her. But that is no excuse. Not to the one I love. No, she only tried to heal me.

I plead guilty.

"Hi"

"What" I snap. Be nice Jade… "I mean… hey"

"Are you feeling better?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well… you look better" Cat says tilting her head to the side.

Do I? I mean, I guess I feel a little different. Maybe a tad lighter. Warmer. I little less… hurt.

"Then she's working" I breathe.

"Who's working?" She asks furrowing her brows.

"Tori" I answer.

A small smile graces Cat's features and she looks at me all dough-eyed.

"Don't do it-" I barely get out as I'm enveloped in a bone crushing hug.

"Awwwww! You and Tori still love each other!" She squeals right into my ear.

"That was obvious Cat." Although she might love me less now that I'm deaf in one ear. "She just gave me a… reminder" I finish. And suddenly, Cat's not hugging me anymore. She pulled back and is now giving me this ridiculous look.

"A reminder?" She says arching an eyebrow suggestively.

I wish I could hit her. Smack her adorable face right off her head. That's what I would do to anyone else, but for some reason, whatever heart I have keeps me from it. I mean seriously, I barely have a heart, yet whatever Tori doesn't occupy holds Cat of all things.

"Not like that" I say through my teeth.

"Either way, good. I don't like the way things are when you're not together." She says before skipping off to her next class.

"I don't like it either Cat." I say to myself.

I should probably get to class considering the warning bell just went off, but I _really_ don't feel like it. I know she meant well, but bringing up Tori wasn't Cat's best idea today. To the janitors closet it is. My safe haven. My sanctuary. My fortress of solitude. Or my evil lair as most people call it. Whatever the case, it's time for some more sulking and wallowing in self worth.

I drag my combat boots from my locker to the janitors closet and open the door. I after I walk in I hear a sniffle. I wanna say I played it off and told whoever was there to get the hell out, but no. It actually scared the piss outta me and I shrieked. Shrieked. Like a girl.

I jump and end up with my back against the door and my fists up in what I think is the most pathetic fighting stance in existence.

"Did you just shriek?" The voice asks shocked.

"Dear god Vega…" I say letting out a huge breathe. "Don't do that" I say trying to calm the overwhelming urge to puke after the scare.

"Sorry. I figured you'd be in class by now" She says with another sniffle. It's now that I actually look at her.

It's pretty dim in here due to the usual light being off and a small lamp being on, but it's enough for me to see her. Her eyes are red and her face is flushed. Her lip is barely quivering, due to her trying to suppress it, and there are tear stains on her cheeks.

"What wrong?" I ask slipping my bag off my shoulder and kneeling down next to her.

She keeps her eyes cast towards the floor. She knows that if she looks at me her secrets will pour from her eyes. She won't be able to hide it no matter how hard she tries. So I look around to find the answers.

She's sitting on a bucket she flipped over to double as something to sit on. She's huddled close to the lamp with her bag on the other side of her. There's a small crumpled up towel in front of her and a small glint catches my eye. On the towel lays a box cutter.

The blade removed.

And it feels as if it's lodged in my heart.

I swallow hard and close my eyes for a moment. Keep it together Jade. You will not cry. She needs you to be strong and that's what you're gonna do. Be as soft as you can. Everything you do from this moment on will be swimming in love. You are gonna make her feel safe and you are gonna carry her through this if you have to.

I will not lose her to a blade.

"Things were supposed to get easier" She whimpers.

"What do you mean?" I ask softly.

"I was supposed to be better… without you" She says as more tears roll down her cheeks.

I know sweetheart… I know you were. You were supposed to be free of me. You were supposed to heal and leave me in the past. You were never supposed to look back.

"But Jade I've never hurt this much before" She sobs. "I just want it to stop… just for a little bit".

It's now that I notice her hand clenched around the razor.

"I know how it hurts, I do." I say. That's probably the most accurate thing about us. We both hurt the same way. "I can help. I can make it stop, just for a little bit" I whisper.

I know I can heal the hurt. If not that than at least dull the pain for a little bit. Please Tori. Let me at least try. Let me try to fix you. Let me try to undo some of the stuff I did. Let me remind you of what I can be. Let me… love you.

"Let me" I whisper.

I beg of you Tori. Let me do this. I love you so much. Let me show you.

"Please?" She barely gets out after a minute.

I place my hand over hears and her grip on the razor slowly loosens.

I get it out of her hands safely and push it off to the side with the towel and box cutter. I kneel down in front of her and just look in her eyes for a minute or two. I let her sadness drain into me. I let her tell me all the things she's kept from me sense we fell apart. All of it, with one look.

From there I take her hand in mine, and lift her arm a little. I take note that there aren't any bold red lines staring back at me. Good. I hate them.

I lightly trace my fingers over each scar, counting them as I've always done. Making sure there aren't and will never be anymore. I then lean forward and gently press my lips against each one. I hear her whimper as I finish and I look back into her eyes.

"You are so beautiful" I say with every ounce of love that I have for her.

And then she breaks.

She sobs apologies and collapses into my arms.

Right where she should be.

… … …. … ….. …. … …...

Sometimes we are the moon and sometimes we are the ocean. Sometimes we are the ones pulling, and sometimes we are the ones being pulled. That's our relationship. That's how it works.

"Thanks for taking me home" Tori says quietly.

Anything for you my princess.

"Anytime" I say as I wait for her to get out of my car.

Lane found us in the Janitor's closet about a half hour after our whole ordeal. He thought it would be best to just take Tori home. He looked like he had seen a ghost. I'm not surprised. No one's seen Tori so distraught except for me. Even when she's depressed she still manages to smile.

"I'm sorry… about earlier." She says avoiding my eyes.

"It's… together or not Tori, you can come to me when it gets this hard. Together or not you made me a promise." I say. She finally meets my gaze.

After we fell in love she promised me I would never see another scar. Sure, I may have fucked everything up, but this is the one thing she owes me. Me and herself. Not another blade across her delicate skin.

To think if I had walked into the Janitor's closet ten seconds later…

"I know. I'll keep it." She sniffles.

My love I know you feel guilt. Shame. But please know that I only say these things out of love. You deserve depression the least. For someone like me to make someone like to feel like this is blasphemy, but I promise my dearest, I only do this with love.

"I know you will" I say giving a weak smile.

Now go, be free of me. I can't imagine-

"Come inside?" She asks softly.

Why? Why would you want that? Did… did you feel what I wanted you to? Did you see the love I put into my words for you? Is that why?

"Uh, sure." I say slightly surprised.

I barely notice use getting out of my car and making the journey to her room. Her sister and parents gone like usual.

We sit on her bed in the dimly lit room, me next to her, when I feel her hand lightly cover mine. I look at our hands then up to her eyes.

I'm still her love.

What I feel… can I explain it? It's like another small piece of be relocating back in place. It hurts… it hurts so bad, but then there's that relief. The knowledge that even though it hurts right now, it's back where it should be. Now I might be able to function that much better. I am where I belong.

Even when she's broken, she fixes me.

And it's now that I realize just how close to me she is. She's leaning closer. But why? Why now? Why after all of this? No… Tori don't. Don't do this. Don't let me back in, don't let me get close enough to hurt you again.

"Don't" I say turning my head before her lips can touch mine.

Her hand gently caresses the side of my face. She gently places her palm against my cheek and I turn back to her.

No Tori… not in this defeated state. Look at me, I'm a mess. I am broken. I am just as sharp and dangerous as before. My jagged pieces will surely tear into you again.

"This was supposed to be easier…" She whispers kissing my forehead.

I know my love. You were supposed to heal, not bleed more. You were supposed to be free.

"But…" She says before kissing my cheek.

Stop it Tori. Don't say that. Don't give me that chance. Don't give me that hope.

"Being away from you…" She continues kissing my other cheek.

Being away from me should be what's happening right now. You should be running the other direction, never looking back.

"It's… its' the hardest thing I've ever had to do" She says stopping to look into my eyes.

My love… I never knew I _could_ be away from you. I never saw it as hard, but imposable.

Tears are now freely falling down my face. I have no control when I'm with her. I am not Jade West. I am nothing of my own, but only what she wants be to be. I am only what she makes me.

And at that, she leans in and softly presses her lips to mine.

I can't stop the sob that escapes me. It hurts so much. She's relocating more and more of me. Picking up my pieces and putting me back together. She fixes me so that I might one day be a reflection of someone again.

I can never tell which one of us is which. Am I the ocean or the moon? Is she pulling me into her arms? Am I pulling her shirt off? Is she pulling me under her? Am I pulling all those noises from her?

Are we really here, bare and intertwined, reeling from the love that we clearly still have for each other?

We are Jade and Tori.

We are in love.

We let ourselves fall into the most intimate moment.

I am her Jade and she is my Tori.

We are the moon and the ocean.

… … … …**.. … … ….. …. ….. …**

**Hello my Lotus Blossoms.**

**This one… this was hard to get out. So many feels. Sorry it's also kind of short and rushed. Meh, I try not to be choppy, but this one bested me I guess.**

**I apologize for the wait, life… well, let's just say it got to a very dark place. But I'm on the bounce back from that (rhyme: ten points). **

**So it's come to my attention that I have rounded a year now since this fic was started. I am super sorry for the lack of updates, but I'm also super grateful that all of you have stayed with me through all of it. So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.**

**To some of the many awesome people:**

**Lissfuller: Yeah that one was emotional. Try investing in some actual tic-tacs haha.**

**You're My Remedy: *Squee***

**Chile101: Don't die, all will be well. **

**Jakarie: Yeah, you have no idea… A lot of this is actually from experience. **

**Alright loves, that's all for now. **

**SUPER DUPER IMPORTANT: Only five chapters left. I know, I know, but it had to happen eventually.**

**I love you guys. Each and every one of you.**

**So, until the next update, Reviews = Love. So spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


	11. The Lies We Tell Ourselves

When we lose someone what are we really losing? Is it really just another face? Do I really care that I'm losing this person.

The truth is that my heart is hard. From the get-go I'm ready to lose this person. I've already planned our demise from the first hello. Is it a failsafe because I'm afraid of getting hurt? Or is it because I am so used to being alone, that I expect it?

In all honesty, I'm not sure how to not be alone. What am I supposed to do with people? How am I supposed to let someone in? Do I even have that ability?

People say that you need to have faith. Have faith in humanity, that most people are good.

But are they?

Are we not all made of greed? Are we not all willing to step on someone for ourselves? Are we really never going to leave someone? Are we really never going to be alone?

Are we really able to be alone?

I don't need you. I don't need anyone. All I need is me.

What a sick lie.

It's one I've told others for as long as I can remember. I lie to their faces and they accept it. I lie to everyone and they believe it. They believe it because they have faith that most people are good. Most people don't lie.

Let me tell you, lying to someone is one thing, but lying to yourself…

Are you really telling yourself that you'll be ok? That you don't need anyone? Do you really think that you're so weak minded that you believe that most people are good? Do you really have faith that** you** are good?

Pathetic.

I lie to myself. I try to trick myself into believing that I am strong. That I am pure. That I can be alone.

Why is it that we lie to the one person who knows our secrets? The one person who knows we're lying?

Ourselves.

We cannot escape out own thoughts. So why do we even try? Why do we even try to trick our own minds into false beliefs? You do realize how crazy that sounds right? It's not healthy. It deems us unfit for mental stability. Yet we all do it. Daily.

I lied to myself all last night. I told myself that I could leave… that I could leave her and let her wake up to an empty spot next to her.

But I knew the truth.

Not again. I could not leave her again. You think I feel alone? You can only imagine what Tori felt like when we were together. She was always alone. I never gave her enough to feel any differently. I knew this yet I tried to leave last night. I wanted to move but it was like my heart was made of led. It pinned me down, unable to move away from her. Originally I would've cursed at it and managed to get up. But I didn't. For the first time I let it hold me there. I willingly gave in to what it wanted.

I willingly gave into Tori.

I've been lying here awake for about an hour or so, her bare sleeping form wrapped around me.

Last night was… I needed that.

We both did. We both needed to connect intimately and share what we still had for each other. It was nothing but pure untainted love. It's something We both haven't felt in too long.

Our love had been infected at one point in the relationship. I brought in a virus that destroyed everything we had. It ran through our veins and slowly but surely killed us.

When a branch is dead, you chop it off before the tree dies with it.

I am the dying branch, and she rid me of her to save her life.

So many things were spoiled because of me. So much of her was sick or dead. I saw myself as nothing more than a tumor. A disease to her. Everything I touched started to decay.

But last night… she showed me something different.

She showed me that there was a part of me that was pure. A part of me that was untouched by the infection. There was a love for her that I never knew I had, and she managed to find it. She cut away all the dead flesh that had been burdening me, and she found it.

Another part of me, another piece to this fragmented mirror was put back in place. This whole time, she had been slowly cutting of what was dead from me, to find what she always knew I had. Last night I believe she found it.

My reflection… well, it's starting to actually look like a person now.

"Jade?" I hear a sleepy voice ask.

"Yeah?" I answer softly.

"You're still here." She says as she cuddles closer into my side.

"I don't wanna be anywhere else" I say as I start to draw patterns on her back with my finger.

"Good. You're where you belong" She yawns.

Where I belong? You mean with you?

"Are you sure?" I question. Are you sure you want me here? Do you know the trouble I've caused for you?

"Do you love me?" She asks moving back from me a little. I turn my head to look at her.

"Of course." I say. How could you ever thing differently?

"Are you sure?" She asks.

"Absolutely"

She gives me a small smile. "You belong right here." She says sitting up.

With her. I belong right here with her.

"Does this mean…" I trail off sitting up with her.

"It means things are… better. Much better. I just need more…"

"Time" I finish for her. She nods.

It's ok my love

"I can wait." I say as I slide my hand into hers.

I would wait for you forever if that's what it took.

"Really?" She asks… surprised?

"Yeah" I confirm.

She's actually surprised. Shocked at my answer. Did she really never think that I was capable of… conceding?

Huh… I guess I never really thought I would either. Saying I would wait was just my automatic response. Thinking about it now, I truly believe in what I said. I would wait for her if it meant waiting till I was eighty-five just to be with her again. I'm willing to give her space and time not because it's what she wants, but because I want it for her too. I want her to be sure before she dives back in with me. Before she wields the weapon that I am.

I'm not giving up I'm… I'm giving in. I'm giving in to her. It's what I should've don't to begin with. I'm the reckless one here, not her. She's always known what to do and how to fix this, but it took time for me to see past my own desires to understand that.

I get it now. She was right.

Another lie we tell ourselves is that we can handle it. The situation or problem. We have a plan. We have everything under control. As everyone watches us and whatever it is we are trying to hide spin in chaos, we still say "I've got it, it's under control".

It's true, we are lying to everyone. Making them think that we have it all together. We make them think that it's too small for them to worry about. But the true jackal is ourselves, because in reality a part of us knows just how big this is. Just how insane this has gotten

But true to our nature, we lie to ourselves. We act like we're in control. We tell ourselves that we can fix it. That we're going to be ok.

Another sick lie.

We just evade the impending hell. We know it will swallow us and break us, but we tell ourselves that we can fix it before it does.

I messed us up so bad and always told myself that it was ok. I always told myself that she wouldn't leave because I had control of the relationship. In the back of my mind I knew she was breaking, I knew this was gonna shatter, but I kept lying to myself and look where it got me.

"I… really needed this" She says almost relieved.

"I think we both did." We really, really did.

"To be honest, I didn't know you were still waiting. I thought you had forgotten about me." She says bringing her knees up to her chest.

"What the fuck gave you that idea?" I ask calmly.

She giggles then answers, "You just stopped following."

Ah. Well, I needed to sort myself out. I was being so stupid around her, so juvenile, and a part of me knew that I needed to be away from her until it passed. I had already caused her so much trouble and pain, I couldn't allow myself to do any more. I can see why she felt the way she did, but space was what I needed, what _we_ needed.

_**Flashback**_

"_I don't know how to be without you" I say walking up to her. "And I know you feel the same." _

_She has to feel the same. We are who we are because of each other and we have the rest of our lives to continue in that. She can't just call it quits now. _

"_Jade I can't…"_

"_What do you want? Tell me what you want and I'll do it or fix it or find it or whatever you want." I beg._

"_Time" She whimpers._

"_Ok then, we have time. We have forever Tori." I try to smile._

"_Apart" _

"_What?" I whisper._

"_I want time… apart." Ok… just some time apart for both our sakes. That makes sense. Just a little time._

_(Chapter 1)_

_**Present**_

I get now. We needed time apart. We both had and have things that just can't be worked out when we're together. She can't fix herself when I'm there messing up her progress. And I can't fix myself with her to distract me. Then again, she's really been doing all the work putting me back together, so I guess I had to let her fix herself before fixing me. Regardless, we needed time apart and I finally understand why.

See what I mean? She always knows what's best. It's why I'm so lost without her. Although when we were together I acted like everything she said had no effect on my decisions, it had everything to do with what I did. I hung on her every word like my life depended on it, and honestly, half the time it did.

"We needed time, apart." I say after a while.

"I know" She says laying her head in my lap. I immediately start playing with her hair and her eyes close shortly after.

"I can wait Tori, as long as you need" I whisper. The corners of her lips turn upwards slightly and she lets out a content sigh.

She is so beautiful. How on earth did I ever treat her badly? How did I ever hurt her? Looking at her now… I find it seeming impossible. What kind of monster had I become to do what I did to her? How did I ever take something so precious for granted?

Maybe all this time without each other made me realize that. It made me look at what I had become, and what I am without her. It didn't take long to figure it out, without her I am nothing.

"Jade?" She asks turning her head to look at me.

"Hm?" I answer lazily.

"About having time apart…" She trails off.

"What about it?" I ask, burying my desperation to know.

"Well… maybe… maybe there could be less of it" She looks into my eyes with her hopeful ones.

I don't trust my words, after all, they are what caused this mess. So I don't speak. I bring my lips to hers and let her feel what I want to say.

Tori is it. She's everything.

And in order for me to have everything, I must first have nothing.

… …**. ….. … ….. ….. … …. ….. …**

**Hello my Lotus Blossoms.**

**So… I know it's been forever. A lot of good and bad has happened in my life since I wrote the last chapter. From meeting my birth family, to fighting to hold on to people, to getting a job, to blah blah blah. I'm not sure I can even begin to explain. I think I'm mostly just filled with anger. Just an unfiltered rage, yet I'm loving every minute of it. *le sigh***

**Anyway, here's your update that you all deserve for waiting. We are moving forward, yay! **

**Also, I'm giving you all an ending warning bell: 4 more chapters till this is complete.**

**I don't really have much more to say, so I will continue onto the shout outs. **

**TimelessReader: At this point I have a few ideas floating around but I'm 85% sure the next fic of mine will be a Cori fic.**

**Jay aka Jordan: Soooo I just all of a sudden right now realized that you read my fic and I may have had a small fangirl moment.**

**Mio-Dono: I appreciate that, I try to get the feels going. To be honest, I find times like right now as the easiest to write, especially angst. I just take all my feels, smash them into my computer, and hope that something pretty happens. **

** . : Ah yes, I remember you. You're words are kind, I needed it.**

**Freak-gleek-kidd: Sorry to hear about that. Keep your head up though, you ARE more than enough for someone so don't sell yourself short by settling.**

**TigerDiva10: Glad to have you on board.**

**CheesyDip15: I already love you too.**

**Ginger92: I hoped I would be seeing you again, thanks for giving this one a chance.**

**Ginger here has also made a point in a PM I received. I figure I should share it with you all also because here I am depended on. If I don't update in a lengthy amount of time like this last hiatus, something went wrong. No need to worry, just bear with me.**

**I love you guys. Just thought you all should know that, each and every one of you matters to me.**

**Till the next chapter, Reviews = Love, so spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


	12. Be Happy

"Hey"

"Hey" She says with a sweet smile.

"Walk to you lunch?" I ask as I lean against the locker next to hers.

"I-I'd like that" She says with a small blush. I laugh and shake my head.

She's acting like she has a crush on me all over a again. The constant blushing and stuttering, falling all over herself. I love it… and I hate that I do. It's nauseating.

That's where the real fun in the prequels to dating are, the crushing stage. The both of you giggling and sneaking glances at each other. Being shy and blushing over a simple hello. Even down to the squeal of excitement when you think they're out of earshot.

Pathetic.

Why? Because I find myself doing the same thing. I, of course, hold mine in mostly. I can't help but giggle a little though… and of course sneak a few glances at her. She's just so beautiful. Even in her jeans and chuck's. She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

"What?" She asks looking self-conscious at my staring.

"Nothing" I lie. She always sees through my lies, but I do it anyway. It's cute how flustered she gets when I do.

"Come on Jade… you know you can tell me" She says, still unable to drop her smile.

"Well… I was just thinking…" I trail off.

"About…?" She urges me to continue.

"You" I answer with a sly smile.

"What about me?" She asks, her eyebrows raising in the process.

I shrug and start walking away.

This is going to drive her crazy. She can't stand not knowing things, especially when it's about her and especially when it's coming from me. So with my traditional smirk in place I count down from five and…

"What-Jade wait!" Tori says slamming her locker. She sprints up behind me then grabs my arm to stop me. "What do you mean you're thinking about me?" She says turning me to face her.

"It's nothing really…" I tease.

"No no, it _is_ something, I wanna know-wait… you're teasing me!" She says with an appalled face.

"Well I'll be! Jade West teasing Tori Vega? That's just unheard of!" I say in the voice I use to impersonate her.

She glares at me with about as much spite as a kitten. I giggle at that and shake my head again.

Gah! See? I'm giggling and flirting like I have this crush on her I just came to terms with. It's like you'd never guess we've actually been in love for years.

"Will you just tell me" She says hitting my arm. I laugh and catch the hand she hit me with, pulling her close.

"I was thinking…" I say softly, my tone far more serious. She looks at me and her eyes hint nothing of a crush, but full blown love.

"About how beautiful you are" I say tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She blushes and bites her lip for a moment looking down. She looks back up at me for a few seconds before leaning in and lightly pressing her lips to mine. I respond as best I can seeing as it was only for a few seconds before she pulls away.

I know I have a stupid smile on my face and she laughs.

"You're cute when you flirt with me" She states.

"I am not cute." I warn monotone.

"Then what?" She challenges.

"I'm sexy. And I'm sexy all the time, not just when I flirt." I correct her. She rolls her eyes then takes my hand to walk towards the Asphalt Café.

….. … …. …. …. ….. …. …...

"Cat I swear to God, if you take one more picture-"

"She won't do anything." Tori finishes for me, glaring at me in the process.

We were sitting at our usual lunch table for all of five second before Cat sat down and started snapping pictures of us. Apparently she wants to be the first person with pictures of us "back together". I can see why she's so happy about it, believe me I am too, but Tori and I are still not together. We have some more things to deal with before we're ready for that.

Andre and I had a civil nod of acknowledgment and I glared at Beck when he sat down. I ignored Robbie as usual and everything went smoothly. Well, minus a lot of people staring and whispering about fifteen minutes later. I guess they're all shocked that Tori even wants to be around me. I of course ignore them, Tori however is growing more and more uncomfortable by the second. I want to reach out to her and comfort her. She has no reason to let them get to her.

"Jade" Tori says softly.

"Yeah?" I answer trying to read her expression.

"You… you should probably go." She says refusing to meet my eyes.

Oh.

_I'm_ making her uncomfortable.

"Tori they don't-" I try.

"Please" She cuts me off.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Andre tensing up, I know if I don't move, he'll make me. But I'm not moving because of him, I'm moving for _her_.

I simply nod, stand up, then leave.

Let me tell you… that. Hurt. I know I have no right to be hurt or angry, after all I caused this in the first place, but that won't stop me. I barely hold myself together as everyone silently watches me walk back into the school. Of course I have my usual bored expression on, but I'm in this school to begin with because I'm such a great actress. I don't let the façade slip until I'm safely in the Janitors closet.

I'm not gonna cry. I am beyond tired of that. I'll settle for sitting here in the dark and wallowing until the bell rings. I know that things have gotten better between Tori and I, but it's just so hard to move slow. I'm ready to just jump in and lose myself in her again, but I know that she isn't ready yet. Just sitting next to her was too much. I guess it makes sense though, I don't want people to see her as weak because she let me back in. I said it before and I'll say it again, I would wait for her forever is that's what it took. I mean it when I say that… it's just hard. We were intimate two days ago but I still have to be kept at arm's length right now.

I hear the bell ring but I make no move to leave. The next class won't miss me.

"Jade?" I hear a soft voice ask the door opens.

"Yeah?" I answer.

"I'm sorry" She says as she sits in front of me.

"Cat you had nothing to do with it, don't be sorry" I say. It's unlike her to be late to class, but knowing Cat and her desire for her friends to be ok, I'm not surprised she showed up here.

"I just want you two to be happy together" She says as her eyes well with tears.

One of the hardest parts of this is how much it's effected others. Cat more specifically, already being unstable as she is, is just being pulled in so many directions still. She really is a good friend though. She hurts through this with us and has refused to take a side. Catering to mine and Tori's every need.

"Cat" I say placing my hand on her knee. "We will be. It just takes time, you know that. Tori and I are already getting better by the moment"

"You are?" She asks.

"Yeah. We… things have happened. Things that make me know that we're gonna be just fine." I finish.

She quirks up and eyebrow at this statement and tilts her head to the side. She her eyes scan over me a few times before her eyes start to widen. What?

"What kind of things?" She asks skeptically.

"Uh… things like… I don't know. We just talked and stuff" I say getting uncomfortable. Please don't go where I think you're about to go…

"Stuff like… sexual stuff?" She asks with a growing smile.

She went there.

I open my mouth to say something but close it again. I am the best liar in the world to anyone but Tori… and Cat.

"Ugh yes" I groan.

"Yay!" she squeals before throwing herself on me in a hug.

"If you don't move-" I start to threaten.

"Wait!" she says jumping off of me.

"What?"

"If things are so much better with you two… then why was she out in the hall talking to Beck?" She asks confused.

All the blood immediately drains form my face.

"What?" I barely get out.

"Yeah, he was acting all flirty like he does with most girls, she didn't seem very interested though." She finishes.

Oh hell no.

I immediately spring up and stumble over Cat to pull open the door. The minute I step out of the Janitors closet I see him, standing just a little too close to Tori, her back to her locker. This asshole waited till everyone (including me) was supposed to be in class and then confronted her.

She looks extremely uncomfortable. God I hate that.

"Just give me one chance, one, to prove it to you" I hear him beg, putting his hand on her arm.

At that I bolt from the closet, making quick strides until I'm right behind Beck. I see Tori's eyes flood with relief before I grab Beck by the back of his collar and rip him away from my girlfriend.

"Touch my girlfriend again and I will end you" I seethe as he stumbles to get his footing.

"What? Jade where did you-"

"I knew you were bent on Tori, but this is just low." I say taking a step towards him.

"It's not like that." he growls.

"Then what is it Beck? You out of anyone knows what this had been like for me, yet here you are still trying to take her" I finish with another step.

"I'm trying to show her what a good boyfriend is like" He snaps back.

"Oh by forcing her into a corner? Yeah, great job Beck, she's totally into you now. While you're at it, why not knock her around a bit, I hear chicks dig that!" I yell.

"Jade do you even have any idea of what's going on? You're telling me that I'm a bad person when no one else even tolerates you! You have no one! The whole school is afraid of you, you're best friend hardly wants to see you, I couldn't handle you anymore, and to top it all off, you're ex girlfriend that you're so in love with doesn't even want you!" He yells.

I glance over at Tori and see that she's making no move to defend me. I guess there's some meaning behind Beck's outburst after all.

"And the worst part is that you act you don't know! You shattered me and you still expect me to bend over and take it from you. God Jade, you want me to back off of Tori when she doesn't even want you around. But here you are, still controlling and manipulating everything you can touch. Just leave us alone. If you think I'm messed up from still trying with Tori than you have another thing coming. Look around Jade, you can't stalk your way back into someone's heart." He finishes almost out of breath.

I've been hurt many times before in my life... but let me tell you...

That. Hurt.

A part of him realizes just how deeply that affected me. His eyes slightly widen but be keeps himself seething. I on the other hand am glaring at him with blurred vision. Tears are threatening to fall, my fists are clenched at my sides, and my jaw is tightened.

"You're right" I choke out. Beck's look turns skeptical.

"I can't force my way back in to Tori's heart. I can't keep people away from her. She might not ever want me back." My voice wavers. "But if you think, for even a second, that I would let her find herself with someone like you, then you will truly know what being shattered feels like." I finish before storming past him.

I at least make it to the parking lot before tears start to fall. With every step my heart sinks more and more. It weighs me down to the point of where I'm dragging my feet to my car. Part of me is realizing that this could really be it. The end of Tori and I. And I hate that Beck was right about most of what he said.

I look up to see that I'm passing by Beck's car... and I just snap.

Before I even realize it my fist is colliding with the hood of his car again and again. I just wanted to break everything. Hurt something. Beck, Tori, myself. Anything.

I hate them all of them. I hate that they're all right. I hate that they can't stop me from all of this. I hate myself for what I am. I hate that I hurt so many people. I hate that I'm alone. I hate that I don't know how to fix this mess I've made. I hate that all I want is to be loved. I hate that I'm not enough.

And I hate that this is my fault.

By the time I start coming to my senses, I'm weakly swinging into Beck's car, sobbing uncontrollably, I'm spent and my hand is bleeding far worse than I would've ever imagined.

His hood has numerous sizable dents in it and both of his headlights are smashed in. Parts of the plastic are actually imbedded in my hand.

Everyone has that moment. That breaking point where pushed just a little too far. That moment when all the anger, all the aggression you've bottled up just explodes. It's not even all Beck's fault, all of this blood and damage isn't even from what he did. Most of it is from me, from how angry I've been. From me breaking Tori's heart to breaking Beck's to being alone to… everything. And now I see just how much I had bottled up.

I stumble away and over to my car before leaning heavily against the driver's side. I'm on the verge of hyperventilating. I've never lost it like this before. I've never had a meltdown that I couldn't control. I have never been this broken.

So much so that I barley register being taken into warm arms.

Sobbing out apologies and letting blood run off of my fingers is not how she's supposed to see me.

"Jade" she says softly.

"I'm so sorry" I sob.

"Jade" she repeats. "Beck is just-"

"He's right." I cut her off. "He's right Tori. I was never enough for you. I never even tried to be." I say pulling back to look her in the eyes.

"I know" she says sadly.

"And I... I can't be. I'm not what you need Tori. I put you through hell and I treated you like shit. I broke every promise I made and broke you in front of everyone... and I am so sorry. But you have to be happy. I need you to be happy. I don't want anyone to ever treat you the way I did. You are better than that and you deserve better than that." I end in a whimper.

Her lip starts quivering and her eyes fill with tears at this point.

"And I will do everything I can to make sure that that happens. Whoever it ends up being, you will never have to feel this way again." I finish, hell I'm begging her now. Begging her to be happy with anyone.

"No" she chokes out letting tears trail down her cheeks.

"No?" I ask. "Why? Why won't you find someone to be happy with?"

"Because I don't want that" she stifles a sob.

"Why?" I yell. I don't understand, it's almost absurd. She is broken. I broke her. Yet here she is teeling me she doesn't want any better. "How can you possibly be okay with the way things are!"

She looks up at me, barely holding herself together, and manages fix yet another part of me.

"Because the only person I wanna be happy with is you"

…**. …. ….. ….. ….. … …. …**

**Hello my Lotus Blossoms.**

**Huzzah! We are moving forward. Are you happy with me because I got this chapter out sooner than usual? There's so much crap going on that it put me into a writing frenzy and this was birthed. **

**I'm alright with how this one turned out. It felt good to have more dialogue.**

**On to the shout outs: **

**Ginger92: Of course, you know me too well, I had to add a few more obstacles. Thank you for the praise, you spoil me.**

**SamiJo: I won't leave you alone haha. There will also be stories swirling in this head of mine. Keeps me grounded.**

**SmilerLisbian: Why thank you, I'm flattered. Whenever someone marathons a fic it's a good thing. Glad to have you on board.**

**TimelessReader: Hopefully this was up to par. Jade certainly has come a long way. **

**Also 3 chapter warning bell. We're coming to the close of this fic.**

**I know I was kind of vague with what was going on with me, I'm not really one to be all personal in my A/N's but if you want a bit more insight I posted something to my tumblr, the link is on my profile page if you're up to it. **

**Alright loves, that's all for this one. Til the next update, Reviews = Love, so spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


	13. I Think We Can Do That

_**Previously**_

_"He's right." I cut her off. "He's right Tori. I was never enough for you. I never even tried to be." I say pulling back to look her in the eyes._

_"I know" she says sadly. _

_"And I... I can't be. I'm not what you need Tori. I put you through hell and I treated you like shit. I broke every promise I made and broke you in front of everyone... and I am so sorry. But you have to be happy. I need you to be happy. I don't want anyone to ever treat you the way I did. You are better than that and you deserve better than that." I end in a whimper._

_Her lip starts quivering and her eyes fill with tears at this point._

_"And I will do everything I can to make sure that that happens. Whoever it ends up being, you will never have to feel this way again." I finish, hell I'm begging her now. Begging her to be happy with anyone._

_"No" she chokes out letting tears trail down her cheeks._

_"No?" I ask. "Why? Why won't you find someone to be happy with?"_

_"Because I don't want that" she stifles a sob._

_"Why?" I yell. I don't understand, it's almost absurd. She is broken. I broke her. Yet here she is telling me she doesn't want any better. "How can you possibly be okay with the way things are!"_

_She looks up at me, barely holding herself together, and manages fix yet another part of me._

_"Because the only person I wanna be happy with is you"_

_**Present**_

I've always wondered what it would be like to die.

To die and then be brought back.

I'm not talking about a manual resuscitation, someone fracturing your diaphragm, pumping air back into your lungs. I'm talking about a surge of unnatural energy. A charge constricting the heart itself. Not seeing life slowly return to your eyes, but a violent awaking, jolting your very existence. Every electrical signal in your body firing at the same time.

Pathetic.

To think that if Tori placed her hands on my chest that would actually happen. Even more pathetic that it actually worked.

It's like all of a sudden I'm breathing again. It's no longer a slow agonizing pace to find all my pieces. All of a sudden they were just there, slamming back into where they're supposed to be. I'm unprepared and it hurts like crazy. Things are being torn from wherever they were imbedded and reopening the scar tissue of where they were originally.

_"Because the only person I wanna be happy with is you"_

To say I'm sobbing is an understatement. Hysterics doesn't even quite cover it. Tori is trying to hold me together as I try to crumple to the ground.

People were starting to gather not so discretely as I fell apart, honestly I didn't even care. I wasn't trying to please them or even be strong. Why should I be?

I barely even register her putting me in my passenger seat and taking my keys.

Why does she care that people are seeing me like this? Why does is matter if they know that I do in fact cry?

Ten minutes pass and she's almost carrying me into her house and to her room. I really am pathetic.

I figured after she got me to her bed and held me that all hell would break lose in my head. That my body would betray everything I've ever taught it. That I would literally fall apart. But then…

Nothing.

I take a huge gulp of much needed air and then it's like everything just ends. Not stops, ends. I'm no longer crying, I don't feel like I can't breathe, even the pain is barely registering.

"Why?" My voice cracks.

"Why what?" She counters softly.

"Why me?" I pull away from her to look into her eyes. "After all of this, all that I put you through, why would you want that?"

Her eyes fall for a moment before she looks back up to me.

"Because _that_ isn't you Jade. It never was. I wasn't in love with you because you were strong, or because people didn't mess with you. I never wanted you because you were challenging and dark." She says before taking my hands. "I wanted you because _this_ is who you are Jade. The side that you so desperately hide from everyone. The side that only I was allowed to see when we were alone."

"Tori… you don't understand" I sniffle. "I can't be what you want me to be all the time. I can't show other people who you think I am. The side of me that you can't stand is just as much a part of me as the part you love. I'm going to hurt you Tori, I'm going to make you angry, hell, I'll probably even lie to you. And you-"

"And you'll also love me more than anyone else ever could. " She cuts me off. "You'll protect me, you'll make me laugh, you'll make me happy."

"And I'll probably be just the same as I was before!" I yell frustrated. "What makes me different now? Why am I worth it now?"

She almost glares at me. It's like I'm so stupid for not knowing or for doubting her. But I'm angry. I don't get it. How am I any different form the day we fell apart?

"What's changed Tori? Why am I different now? What the hell are you seeing that I can't?" I say standing up and turning to face her.

Her jaw clenches and her eyes narrow at me. She said it herself, I'm challenging, and here it is full force.

She stands up quickly, grabs my shoulder, and roughly spins me to look into her full length mirror.

"That!" She yells starting to cry. "That right there! You're not just you anymore Jade!" She yells as I look at her in the reflection. "There's me too." She whimpers the last part and tears start rolling down her cheeks.

And there it is. There I am. Staring back at my own reflection, no cracks like before. Before everything, my dad, Beck, myself… but it's different.

Because now I can see her too.

"We shattered Jade. Not just you, me too. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't put myself back together. I was so incomplete, so many pieces were missing." She say stifling a sob.

My eyes start to widen and I have to keep myself from collapsing.

"Jade… we were never meant to find the rest of our pieces. All of what I have fits the rest of yours. When you put us together were one complete reflection. Nothing's misshaped or fractured. The rest of you is out there just like the rest of me. But I don't want any other image of myself unless you're in it." She finishes.

Oh my god…

I could never put myself back together… because she had the rest of me… she_ is_ the rest of me.

And I'm the rest of her.

We're perfect, we're…

"Beautiful" I whisper.

It's us unflawed surface. Like we were made this way.

"Jade, there were parts of you that I couldn't put back together. Parts that only you had access to. But you wouldn't fix them. You were jagged and cutting into me. I… I couldn't handle it anymore." She finishes as I turn around to face her.

"So you left" I say softly. She nods.

"You had figure things out. If we were gonna be together I knew you would." She says.

I had to become Tori's Jade again.

"There were things I had to figure out too." She says as her eyes well with more tears. "I hurt you so badly. I took some of the most precious things about is and ousted them… just to hurt you. I was demanding and kind of controlling and I… I am so sorry for the way I treated you."

She's sorry? But I was so horrible to her. I thought she was too weak to leave me so I did whatever I wanted. I know she wasn't perfect to me but she was most certainly not anything near what I was to her.

"It's ok" I rasp.

And I'll accept her apology. I won't fight her on it telling her that my sins wash away hers. She was wrong too. But if anyone should be guild ridden, it should be me.

"I'm sorry about lunch. I just… it became real. You were back. It scared me." She says sitting on her bed again.

"I don't blame you. I don't want anyone thinking that I'm in control. I don't want them to think that you're weak for letting me back in." I say following suit.

"That wasn't really my problem, they just made me realize what was happening." She says drying the rest of her tears.

She is so beautiful. Sitting there with her puffy, glazed eyes, red nose, jeans, and sweatshirt. Raw with emotion and completely vulnerable. She still has so many thriving emotions for me. She may have never even lost any.

"I understand but…" I trail off. I can't do this. Tori please… I'm not who you need me to be yet. I'm still stuck in the darkness. Drowning in it. Don't let me pull you back in. "I don't think you wanna be with me" I finish slowly.

Her eye brows furrow in confusion and she looks a down for a moment.

"Why not?" She asks looking back up.

"You said it yourself. I'm still Jade West. I'm not going to be easy to deal with. I'm cold and I don't listen. I'm every negative thing that you're not. Hell, I hurt people for fun." I almost laugh. "Why can't you see that?" I ask. I know I sound like a broken record, but a reflection doesn't cut it for me.

"It's not that I don't, Jade." She sighs almost getting annoyed again.

"Then what is it? What makes this worth it?" I ask. Just because we look in the same mirror, doesn't mean it's worth being together. One of us is fragile enough, but two people trying to maneuver the same delicate thing, that's almost reckless.

She sighs again and looks at me like she pities me for still not knowing.

"Because I love you far more than anything you could ever do to hurt me." She says.

Now it's my turn to sigh. Not because I'm frustrated or sad, but because I don't wanna burst into tears again.

"And I know that you love me enough to try not to." She finishes.

But I just don't get it.

"Why now? Why right now out of all the times and the things we've been through? What made today any different?" I ask.

"Because today was the first day I saw you. I really saw you and I saw me right next to you. You finally let_ me_ be next to you." She says taking my hands. "You didn't even try to fight with Beck, or anyone for that matter. You were still so loyal to me and protected me even when I pushed you away. You were there when I needed you and did whatever you could to make sure I was ok. Even if that meant that you had to leave."

"And I meant it" I interrupt.

"I know and that leads into "why today". You said that you wanted me to be happy, with anyone. You would stay by my side and watch me fall in love with someone else just to make sure that I wouldn't hurt like that again. You weren't just being Jade, you were being Jade and Tori. I was in your plan and I was a part of your life. Our life." She says the last part softly.

She was in my plan? A part of my life?

Where was she Jade? Before all of this where was she? She was something to be had. She was my girlfriend. She was there but… I never let her be a part of anything. I had never included her in my thoughts. I only protected her when it was beneficial to me. I only wanted her to be happy when she was with me. I only wanted her to be with me… not a **part** of me.

"When you were fighting with Beck, you called me your girlfriend every time you mentioned me." She says breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah… I did. I wasn't thinking about it, I just-"

"I was just there. Naturally, not habitually." She finishes for me.

I ignored her constantly when we were together. When we were out she was to be on my arm and that was it. I never took what she said seriously and I never returned any I love you's in fear for my image.

My image…

"Why didn't you just let me stay in the parking lot today?" I ask. She rushed me to her house so fast. "You want me to be caring and "Your Jade" but you acted like that's not what you wanted." I say confused.

"You just answered your own question. Because you're **my** Jade. Not anyone else's. They don't get to have that part of you." She says in a protective way. I smile and laugh to myself.

"What?" She asks.

"Look at you being all protective and jealous. You sound like me." I say with a small smile.

"That's because right now I'm "Jade's Tori"." She says with a smirk. Smirk and everything? Definitely "My Tori "alright.

"Good. I like "Jade's Tori", "I say with a small smile. "But if this is gonna work, you have to tell me what you want from me. What am I supposed to do?"

Her eyes fall for a moment in thought before returning to me. "Just love me. Not just when we're alone, all the time. I can only be yours all the time if your mine all the time. If you're angry, talk to me, don't get even. And… please… tell me if I'm being controlling, don't prove a point by running off to a party."

"I think I can do that" I nod slowly."But there are things you're gonna have do too."

"I know. What do you need from me?" She asks.

I take a deep breath before beginning. If this is truly a mirror, then there are things she's gonna have to do to keep us together too. She knows she's not perfect but that's not what I'm asking for, I need her to do or not do certain things just like she does me.

"I'm still a bitch Tori, I honestly don't think that will ever change, and you're gonna have to find a way to deal it. I'm still closed off in a lot of areas but give me time and I'll open up. I'm going to hit anyone who looks at you wrong and I'm gonna be jealous no matter how much I trust you. And if I run off to a party, no matter how angry that makes you, don't forget about how much you love me." I say as she nods.

"Okay-" She starts but I cut her off.

"One more thing" I start, she nods. "You can't out me and all the things I've done or promised. You can't ask me to be "your Jade" and then do that when you're angry with me. That's not how this works. Getting even goes both ways" I finish.

"I know. And I think I can do that" She says. "Jade… I don't know how to apologize more for that. I was awful to you and I was just so angry. I was hurt and-"

I silence her with a short soft kiss to her lips.

"Tori, it's ok. We both really screwed each other over. I don't want to do that anymore and I definitely don't want to hold it over your head anymore. It's like you said, I love you far more than anything you could ever do to hurt me." I finish.

She smiles at me and then leans in for another kiss which I happily return. After a few moments she pulls back and smiles at me.

"I missed you" She says softly before coming back in for a kiss.

"I missed you more" I say after she pulls away.

"I fully expect you to scare the hell out of anyone who might try anything with you after what they saw today." She adds.

"I think I can do that" I laugh.

We sit in a comfortable silence for a while, just holding hands and looking at each other, before I decide to speak up.

"Does it bother you that I called you my girlfriend today?" I ask.

"Nope" She says with a smile.

"Why not?" I ask curious.

She giggles and leans in close to me.

"Because I never stopped calling you mine.

… … …**.. …. …. … …. ….**

**Hello My Lotus Blossoms.**

**Sorry it's been so long. A lot has happened recently and I'm amazed I came out of it. So here's the next chapter. Finally we get somewhere good yes?**

**I don't have much to say. I wasn't really pleased with this chapter but I'll let you be the judge of that.**

**On to some of you amazing people:**

**First off I want to give a HUGE shout-out and thank you to Cassie Noir for being my 200th Review. Cannot believe this has done so well and I thank each and every one of you for getting it here.**

**Secondly I want to give a big thank you to Vorago, gave me a push in the right direction and helped me get this chapter out. So thank you for your thoughts.**

**Joylinda: I recommend you read from beginning to end, yes you will hate Jade, but you get to see how she grows and how the story unfolds. **

**Chile101: That's flattering to hear. It's always amazing when I can evoke emotions from what I write.**

**Ginger92: Why thank you, I really struggled to get the last chapter just right.**

**ReCeJoriLove: Glad to have you on board.**

**Welcome to any new readers and to my usual ones, again thank you so much for sticking with me through this, I know it hasn't been easy. I'm doing much better now and am still working at it.**

**Alright loves, two chapters left. Till the next update, Reviews = Love, so spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


	14. The Light In Me

The hardest part about changing is realizing that even though something extraordinary has happened to you, everything else is still the same.

It's just an ordinary day. I still wake up in the same bed as yesterday. I still barely register that I have a father. I'm still going to the same school, with the same people, and with the same classes. It should be just like every other morning, but it's not. Something is different, not with anyone else but me and one other person. Normally I'd at least keep acting like nothing had changed… but…

I'm smiling. There aren't any teeth showing but it's still far more than anything I usually do with my face.

Pathetic.

This is what she does to me, I can't even smirk. I keep trying but it's like I overkill it and it goes right into a smile. It's so out of character for me, not only that I'm smiling but that I have a reason to.

Don't get me wrong, Tori has always been a reason to smile, I just never realized it until now. I never realized just how much she changed in me. I don't want to be smiling but… even just her name, Tori, and I can't help it. My exterior is cracking, starting with my face apparently, and I don't want to do anything about it. I don't want to be smiling, but I sure as hell don't wanna stop it. If this is what it's gonna be like with Tori now… then I don't wanna stop it. Hell, at this point I'd skip though a field of flowers with the way she makes me feel.

Then murder any witnesses.

Dear God… scaring the shit out of people today is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

"JAAAAAADE!" I hear as Cat lands on me, legs around my waist, arms around my neck.

"Cat" I say through my teeth. How the hell am I gonna scare anyone with _this_ attached to me?

"You did it!" She exclaims pulling back to look at me. "Tori loves you again"

How can I be mad at that?

"She never stopped. Now get off me" I scowl.

That's how.

"Fine" She drawls out getting down. "But you're happy now right?"

Am I happy?

I'm still an asshole, I'm still the school bitch, I still care very little for most people, and I have Tori. I'd say I'm pretty happy. I'd say that things are looking a little more… bright for me. Like I can finally see where I'm going.

"Yes Cat, I'm happy" I answer.

"Good. You seem…lighter today" She says.

"Jesus Cat, I know I'm pale but-"

"No, not like that" She giggles. "I mean you just seem… like nothing's holding you down."

"Oh… well, thanks." I say stupidly.

"No problem. Now none of us have to hurt anymore." She says dropping into a serious tone for a moment.

"Yeah… at least, not like this ever again." I say dropping my gaze to the floor.

I don't ever want to feel that way again. I've never been in so much pain. It was emotional pain that became physical at some points. It something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. No one, and I mean no one, should ever have to feel that way. I never thought I'd see the end of it to be honest, and Cat, she was here though all of it.

"Thank you" I blurt out.

"For…?" Cat asks confused.

"For everything. Being there for Tori through all of this, putting up with me, refusing to give up. For… hurting with us." I say.

"You don't have to thank me for that Jade" She says with a small smile. "I love you and Tori more than anything, I wasn't made to just sit by and let things happen"

My smile gets a little bigger and I'm almost tempted to hug her. Almost. But of course, she's Cat and she has some sort of sixth sense, so she brings me into a hug anyway. After a moment I decide to hug her back. She deserves it, even if my affection is temporary, surviving all of this with us is far greater than anything I could've asked of her.

"Hardly a day since we've been back together and someone's already trying to steal you from me" I hear from behind me.

And suddenly, I'm grinning.

"Wouldn't dream of it Tori" Cat giggles as she lets go of me.

"You better not, I just got her back ya know" Tori teases.

"You never lost her." She says with a smile. " And I know, and after my Slap update this morning, so does everyone else, bye!" She says before dashing off. She better run fast. She didn't even know we were back together until like ten minutes go and now apparently the whole school has known since this morning.

"That little-" I'm cut off by Tori's lips against mine.

After a few moments she pulls back and blushes.

"Well hello to you to" I state wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Sorry…" She blushes harder. "I just really missed being able to do that"

"Yeah I kind of got that…" I say with a nod. She laughs before I kiss her again.

"PDA Ladies…" Lane warns as he walks by.

"Fuck off…" I mumble in between kisses.

"Excuse me?" He says coming to an abrupt stop.

I quickly detach my lips from Tori's, "I said we're off!" I say as I grab her hand and sprint off to Sikowits' classroom.

Well that was close.

… ….. ….. … ….. … … … …. …

She really is something else.

She makes things possible.

I never thought that I could feel this way, so much love, and so loved. I didn't think I could ever make someone happy like this. I never thought I mattered like I do.

And I never thought things would turn out right for me.

"What are you smiling about?" I hear Tori ask, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"I'm not smiling." I deadpan.

"You better not be or else we'll all think that Jade West has gone soft." She jokes.

I wrap my arms around her and peck her on the lips. "Only for you" I whisper.

She blushes for whatever reason and an adorable smile grazes her features. She opens her mouth to say something but quickly closes it and her eyes shift from mine to something behind me. Whoever wiped that smile off of her face is so fu-

"Jade" I hear.

But of course…

"Beck" I answer letting go of Tori and turning to face him.

"Can we talk?" He asks quietly.

So much of me wants to smash his face in. Or if not that than at least cut him down with every word I know. He knows what I did to his car, just imagine what I could do to him. I want to hurt him… I want to hurt him so bad for hurting Tori and I, but I can't. I won't. He deserves a chance to talk to me and he deserves an explanation.

"Ok" I say simply. He starts to walk into the hall and I got to follow but stop as I feel a hand tug on mine. I look back to see Tori looking at me worriedly.

"It's ok." I say to ease her, but she still looks hesitant. "I won't hurt him." I deadpan, earning an eye roll from her. After that she lets me go and I follow Beck.

"Hey" He says as we step outside of the classroom.

"What did you wanna talk about?" I ask.

"Or we can get right to the point…"

"It's not like we're known for small talk."

"We could at least t-"

"No Beck, we can't try. Whatever the hell we try do together, it doesn't work. And frankly, neither of us really care about small talk at the moment do we?" I finish. I don't want any bullshit. I just want to get this out.

"I'm sorry" He says.

"For?" I ask.

"For… I don't know…" He trails off.

"Beck don't apologize if you don't know why your apologizing." I say annoyed.

"I'm sorry for trying to take Tori from you" He says harshly. "I'm sorry for being an asshole when you needed me. I'm sorry for making things harder for you and Tori. I… Jesus… I'm just sorry about everything Jade. And I'm sorry this doesn't work." He says running a hand through his hair.

"Good." I say as I notice his eyes glaze. "I'm sorry too"

"What?" He says surprised. He literally looks like he saw a ghost.

"I said I'm sorry too. I know it's a shock hearing that from me but… I am sorry Beck. I treated you like shit when we were together. Hell, I treated you like shit when you were the only one fighting for me when Tori and I fell apart. I was _never_ there for you and… I hurt you. I hurt you a lot. I did to you the same thing I did to Tori. You never deserved that and… I'm so sorry" I finish.

I know he's trying so hard to hold back tears. It's something we both never thought I'd say.

"There's nothing more you could've done for me. You did everything right… it was just… me being me." I finish.

He gives a quick nod and tightens his jaw to keep his lip from quivering. At that I lean forward, standing on my toes a bit, and hug him. I guess that's what breaks his tough guy act because the next thing I know, a sob escapes his lips and his arms are around me. The last thing I should be doing is comforting him, not just because this is me we're talking about, but because of what he pulled with me. But I owe it to him. He doesn't deserve to be broken and maybe I can try to mend him a little bit. It's not nearly enough to repay all he's done for me, but it's all I can give him. It's something he needed, something we both needed.

He needed to be free of me and I needed to be free of him.

"Thank you" He says as he slowly lets me go.

"Anytime Oliver" I say, my smirk back in place. He gives me a small smile before walking off to, I guess, compose himself.

He's just as broken as I was, but I know Beck, he'll be put back together and stronger than he ever was before. He _will_ see himself again.

As I walk back into the classroom Tori's eyes snap to me. Her nervousness disappears when she sees my casual expression. When I sit down she happily plants herself into my lap.

"What happened?" She asks.

"Just talked. Said what needed to be said" I answer.

"Is everything ok?" I love how she pries without seeming like she's prying.

"It is now." I finish.

And it is.

Sitting here, holding the one I love and her loving me back, everything is ok.

Cat was right, I am lighter today.

The darkness I usually surround myself in, the darkness I'm usually lost in has dissipated. Not necessarily because of anything I've done, but because of my light. My Tori. I never thought I'd see myself so clearly again. There's nothing left to the imagination in the light. I don't have to guess what I look like. Maybe I'm happy. Maybe I'm sad. With here standing there with me, I know exactly what I am. She saved me from the darkness.

The only way we got here, the only reason I'm still even a person, is because she finally got me to see the light. Not just in her, not just in the world, but the light she knew I always had.

The light in me.

… …**.. ….. …. … ….. ….. …. ….. …**

**Hello my Lotus Blossoms**

**You have no idea what it took for me to get this out.**

**I literally sat on this at 1,700 words for two months not able to come up with 2,000 (my minimum). Part of it is because I'm wrapping this up so I guess I'm subconsciously trying to prolong it. The other part is because I just barely made it to this point in general. **

**Life has been kicking my butt.**

**I'm not gonna dump it all on you guys, but just keep me in your prayers.**

**What I do have to mention though; Thank you guys so much for not giving up on me, a few of you were really pulling for me and sending PM's and whatnot.**

**Speaking of:**

**LovezObsessed: Glad to have you on board. You flatter me.**

**ScottyBgood: Agreed, this chapter has a bit more of what you're talking about. And I review you Scotty, I review you.**

**Quillsaga: Don't die. All is well, well, **_**now**_** it is. Haha.**

**AssasinSin: I don't have the words to convey what your PM did for me. But I can say that had you not sent it, things would be a lot different right now. Truly, thank you.**

**So, the next chapter is the last for this fic, about time right? I'm gonna do my best to get it out soon. Thank you for sticking with me through all of this. I'm not even sure how I've made it this far. I really don't think it's possible for me to tell you all how much that means to me.**

**I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years… yeah I need to update more.**

**Till the next and last chapter, Reviews = Love. Spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**

**P.S. Would any of you be interested if I turned this into an actual book?**


	15. Make This Go On Forever

It's amazing when you look back.

Simply look back, at anything, and it's a sight. Whether it be footprints, people, or even bloodstains for most of us. Just take a second and look back. Look at where you started and look at where you are now. Regardless of what's behind us, regardless of how distorted or fragmented it is, realize that there's a certain beauty in it.

Pathetic.

Here I am getting gall poetic about the past and how it was an amazing journey.

But it was.

Granted I tore my heart out at some points, I lost a lot, and I gave up most of the time. I didn't just shatter myself but I took other people with me. Hell when I look back, most people would be either disgusted or heartbroken. But I think people fail to realize that just because something got dirty or broken, doesn't make it any less amazing. Amazing doesn't always mean perfect or flawless, sometimes it just means you survived. Sometimes it means you made it. Sometimes it means you still have your humanity after what happened to you.

It's… beautiful.

To be honest I never thought I'd make it this far somewhat successfully, but I did.

Sometimes when I look back I wonder…

What if I had caught that rainbow?

It's sort of silly to think of now, how I ended up in the dirt, bruised and bleeding… but how beautiful was that moment when she showed up on my doorstep with the rainbow I lost?

What if I had never kissed her scars?

She probably wouldn't even be here, but how beautiful is it that she is? Even if I hadn't gotten to enjoy her life, at least someone would have.

What if I had gotten to her a second too late?

What he would've done to her… but the beauty of how I never broke my promise to her outshined it. And the beauty of how it never made her weaker still amazes me.

And what if…

What if I had never broken her heart?

Then I would've been lost in the darkness forever. I would've never had the chance to see her truly happy. I wouldn't be seeing how beautiful she looks in the morning.

"Morning" I say wrapping my arms around her from behind.

"Morning sleeping beauty" She says taking a sip from her coffee mug.

Beautiful.

"There's coffee?" I mumble into her neck.

"Just like every morning" She says with a laugh.

Amazing.

"I feel like if you ever wanted to kill me off, death via poisoning my morning coffee would be perfect" I sigh.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's the one thing I will never question and at least I'll go with a smile on my face or, well, less of a scowl." I say before kissing her neck.

"I'm pretty sure that's the worst way to kill you off" She says.

"What? How?" I say pulling away from her slightly.

"Because of everything you just named, the coffee is the first place they'd look. I'd be better off with _anything_ else." She finishes putting down her coffee mug.

"You've thought about this haven't you?" I say glaring at the side of her head. She turns around in my arms to face me.

"Only a little" She says with a smile.

"You're a little twisted and I love it." I say before leaning in and kissing her.

"You're mostly twisted and… well… I love _you._" She says after I pull back.

"You better" I say as I turn to pour myself some coffee.

"Plus, you would haunt the heck out of me and never let me move on" She says.

"The haunting part is just a bonus, I already know you wouldn't be able to move on" I say before taking a sip out of my mug and facing her.

"What makes you think that?" She asks crossing her arms.

"Well one, really Tori? Like you'd be able to find anything better than all this" I say gesturing to myself.

"And two?" She says with an eye roll.

"Right, and two, I super glued your ring to your finger in your sleep last night." I smirk.

"What? Jade!" She says freaking out and immediately trying to get her ring off her finger.

"What? You said forever." I laugh as she slips it off.

"Jade, that wasn't funny! I was about to kill you for real!" She whines.

"And how exactly would you have done it if not the coffee?" I ask.

"By punching you in the neck with the ring you "allegedly" glued to my finger." She pouts.

"Death by wedding ring, there's something tragically beautiful about that. I concur, that's how you should kill me" I say setting my mug down and wrapping my arms around her again. She turns away from me and picks her mug back up.

"Don't be witty when I'm mad at you" She says.

"I'm sure you'll get over it. It's just what we do Mrs. West" I say before pecking her on the cheek.

And what if I hadn't asked her to marry me?

I wouldn't have seen how beautiful our life together would be.

She knew long before I did just how beautiful all of this would be. She knew how much we loved each other, she knew we needed time apart, she knew exactly how to put us back together. Looking back at it, she should've never come back to me. But she did because she wanted to see what was truly amazing.

And like I said, sometimes amazing doesn't mean a happy ending. Sometimes amazing is just a content ending as you're watching someone else's happy ending.

It's a shame when things don't work out. Whether big or small, you always carry some sort of disappointment, you always harbor some form of hurt. It starts as a piercing agony before turning into that dull ache we all know so well. Sometimes we almost forget about it.

I never saw Beck again.

The day I apologized to him was the last day we ever spoke. From then on the boy I once loved was a stranger. The day of our graduation I watched him walk and that was the last day I saw him, or any of us for that matter.

Every once in a while I would feel that familiar ache and think of him. Wonder what happened to him, if he was doing well. Then I would look at Tori, and suddenly I wouldn't hurt anymore. Every time I looked at her, I wished him well, and I let him go a little. And then one day, he wasn't there anymore, it didn't hurt at all. And I'm ok with that.

The rest of us keep in touch, dinners and whatnot. And the extra there space is all that it is, extra space.

Part of me wants to say that times were easier in our past but for the life of me, I can't bring myself to wish I was back there. Look at what I had to go through. Look at what I have now. I may be a dull spot in the light, but I am no longer the darkness that once consumed me. I no longer drown in search of what I am. I know what I am. I know what I see when I look at myself. I know that I see her right next to me.

So when I look back and I see all the tears, all the broken pieces, and all the pain we went through, I can honestly say it was amazing. It was beautiful. It's beautiful how we still managed to find each other through all of it and how we keep finding each other every day. It's beautiful how to the average person, I keep an empty jar on my night stand. And it's amazing that only we know what's in it.

It's beautiful how hard we fought for each other and how we still do. It's amazing that I'm the best I can be and I get better everyday I'm with her. We hurt each other, it happens, but at the end of the day it's my arms she falls asleep in. I know who I am with her and I know who I am without her.

"You still love me?" I ask after a moment of silence.

"Jade" She says turning to face me again, coffee mug back on the counter. "No matter what happens, no matter how dark it gets, no matter how fast we're drowning, no matter how many pieces we break into…" She says wrapping her arms around my neck and looking into my eyes.

"You'll always be my love"

And she'll always be mine.

No matter what happens, no matter what I have to do. For her I will look past everything I know. For her I will give us all the time we need.

For her I will **Make This Go On Forever**.

… … …**. …. ….. … …. …. …. ….. …**

**Hello My Lotus Blossoms**

**How's that for an ending?**

**This time I didn't get horribly busy and forget about this fic, no this time, I delayed it as long as possible. With the completion of this fic, I let go and release another part of me. It was definitely time though and I have to say, I'm very proud of how this turned out. It was different from my normal style but it was all the more necessary for me to write and I truly thank you for taking the time to read it. There's so much of me in this and I'm blessed that I had the opportunity to share it.**

**This has been a crazy ride.**

**As far as how I'm doing, I'll throw something up on tumblr (you can find the link on my profile)soon to kind fill in the blanks. But I am doing better, thank you for the thoughts and prayers.**

**I wrote this entire chapter this morning (starting at 1 am). I was just kind of hit with this nostalgia coupled with a few other feels and ironically enough, it's Tuesday, so this final chapter was born. Funnily enough, this is actually 500 words shorter than my quota.**

**After the past few months, or I should say "looking back", I honestly think that this place is the best thing that happened to me. That means all of it, the writing, the community, and especially you guys. You keep me going. **

**SO, here we are, almost exactly 2 years later (I am so sorry), and it's finally complete.**

**AND, so one of my other fics The Art of Falling In Love, just hit over 500 reviews. I can't even… just thank you. **

**Alright, enough about me, on to you guys.**

**Lushcoltrane: Thank you for being an… intense reviewer? I don't know, but I'm glad you liked it.**

**ScottyBGood: Yes, tis why I asked for prayers. I appreciate it. Thanks for helping me keep my head up.**

** . : Glad you came back, hope you stay for a while.**

**And on to a special few…**

**First off, So many of you were here from the start and I wanna thank you for sticking with me.**

**Kikouma: You were my first review so for that you are awesome.**

**Jakarie: I am so happy that you kinda follow me around and like my fics… that sounded creepy but you know what I meant. **

**Jay aka Jordan: Same goes for you, love seeing your name pop up.**

**Chase19 and Ginger92 and Chile101: You guys are awesome.**

**Samijo and Ameha Kay: I miss you two and I'm glad to have had you.**

**Ok… I'm having trouble picking out people to mention because I'm like attached to all of you. Ughhhhh… but if I write you all down that's a page in and of itself. **

**So… **

**YOU, YES YOU READING THIS, I LOVE YOU, I APPRECIATE YOU, AND I THANK YOU. **

**Alright loves, that's all for this fic. To anyone who finds this fic post completion, don't hesitate to tell me what you thought. You're just as much a part of this as the rest of us and I thank you for reading this.**

**So till the next fic, (say it with me) Reviews = Love, so spread it around. Thick.**

**A.Y.P.**


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